Walking in the sun and eating chocolate..

Jump out of the minibus and I realised that people are passing me and that I am shuffling.. it is easy to shuffle when your mind not on walking.

Made the decision to come out in the hot sun with memories of walking briskly in the hot sun back in the day when I first had to come to terms with the first crisis which repeated itself. Coping strategies were good.. it was something else.. move, work, eat, stress reduce .. and the sun burning on the skin was good for feeling something.

I see chocolate and buy a small bar not a big one even though I had woken up with a hangover from binging on crunchy stuff with milk - sweet sweet crunchy stuff.

I had planned to do the stretches necessary.. to try to relax the body from the tensions which come on being alert for sudden changes.. the tensions which come from care giving while trying to sort out the uncertainty of the employment and other things.

Shuffling and realise that I am shuffling and say come on man, at least move your feet even if you don't want to. Move like you used.. move.

Woman calls my name. Tatoo, big smile, short short pants

Vidya.. Vidya.. and she comes up and we hug up tight.
M.. come  back.. you see he.. he get deport.., u arite and so?


I don't know who she is and I no longer worry about the memory thing.
It is happening more frequently and I know that I am forgetting names and faces because my mind is preoccupied with moving on. Requests come in for work things from the past and I have to go back and check and find relief, that  yes yes, I did provide the solutions and sort out the things but it is like constantly going back back and not going forward..

I hug back because I don't know what to say.

Like when I saw the text.. from the loved one who not letting go.. 'Hey, if you can, call".. and I think.. no no come on.. no.. but what harm can there be in neutral conversation..

and the question comes  'So what did you do today/" and I stutter and stumble because the phone does not give opportunity for disguising lack of words with hugs and smiles.. try to keep things on keel.. but stuttering and stumbling because I think.. this is too intimate.. too close.. and I have no business encouraging this..but there is no harm done because we are not close..

So the Sun provides some relief. It is patchy.. being alert.. it is one thing to be uncertain of the distant future, it is another to be uncertain of the next moment when some sudden change could happen and being alert and flexible.

The body and soul feel too heavy to be flexible.

Another man hails me up and offers me a ride in the way that is like 'yuh stupid if yuh seh no' and I don't want to say no because it would sound stupid that I would say I want to walk in the sun.

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