The yoga of tangerines and unexpected thanks...

"Thanks for your patience".. the text near midnight said. I was half asleep and half awake and in shock as I contemplated the years and the communication and the problems and the fog in my head of navigating a strange week.

There isn't energy to deal with the various things which come up. A brutal reminder of a decade or so ago and I go into meltdown and my body tenses with the anxiety of the unexpected. History repeats itself and I hate that I am not automatically flexing to deal with the unexpected but familiar situation.

I keep saying.. come on.. don’t melt down, you can do this.. hold on.. because this is not one of those situations like in the past where help was available.
I remember when I used to do the yoga stretches to relieve the stress and to help with coping and now that time seems far away. 

Memories flood back and the hope that things would not be repeated.. it is not a good way to deal with the current situations.. not a good way to project the script of knowing what would happen next including the inability to cope.

Uncertainty over a lot of things planned. apathy about going to things which once interested me.

This though... part of the week of the thanks .. the nice shock and the slight anxiety of 'don't mess this up' and you are not letting go.. you have to move on..
A woman sends an email of 'You did a great job' and feeling relieved at that though tired knowing that the job was not fully done.


Market after the rain is nice.. not too much flood now.

Woman shows me the tangerines.. the small usually sweet ones. Tangerines are in season.  She has the small ones and the big ones and I buy and eat thinking of the ants which sometimes crawl into the core and are not visible until the tangerine is opened.

The deep sweet and the tartness offer relief. Passion fruit and banana offer some relief too.

Remembering that I have to be detached from all of this.. in order to survive.