The promise of dark clouds..

Heat is intense and there are dark clouds in the South West which might mean welcome rain somewhere else but not where it is needed. There is adjustment to the heat.. but it is difficult , adjustment works out.. get a fan, no rest is possible in the day.
Rest is necessary, working against the other dark clouds hanging over the spirit and mind  is fatiguing even though it is possible to function.  

Night is broken. The alertness is always there.. the quarrel which should not have happened .. a chance to redeem as 3am wake up to try to detach from those memories of contempt and the knife and the threat to clean up the pee, to try to restore the power relationship because you understand that the man resents having to depend on you more than you wonder at the Universe slapping you in the face when you want to just rest but to deal with all of this.

The mind kicks in.. the detachment, calm voice, organised. Remembering when the woman had told you as a child after hearing her father beat her mother in their room, she gathered her brother and sister downstairs and made tea. Every time she offers me tea now, grown woman, I think of her doing this.

So in Calm voice, and mind focussed on the here and now.. I do what I could do.

You keep fighting that your wellness is interconnected with the wellness of others. Another appointment is cancelled which should have been done and you decide not to quarrel with anyone.


You wonder if there is no way to inject  Testosterone, to bring it back to deal with the situation and to make the best of things. To work on adjusting and moving forward instead of feeling of moving from small moments of crisis to crisis while wishing for the best.

A random call for help does not work out and you realise you made a mistake again. The dispassionate logic and organising skills you have in the 'work' life you have to bring to the personal life. It isn't easy as the personal life is supposed to offer some respite from work.

You hate that people hint.. others have it worse, and that you are supposed to be grateful that you have privilege and that your joy would be on the hardship of others.


You remember the woman telling you to get out of your prison, but the prison is complex.. one that goes with you.

'It is a good thing you were home and not at .. " you hear.. and you feel relieved that yes.. that temporary solution was found, that you will recover and you feel the horror of what if.. what if.. the uncertainty.


There must be some reason for the dark clouds, for the inability to adjust and to experience contentment at how things did not turn out as I expected. There must be some reason in all this but I know questioning that will just make things worse . Instead, focus on the here and now. No memories, no dreams, no expectations. There is no certainty, learn to deal with the crises.

 Here and now.