Stumbling in the hot sun..

Sun is hot. I had decided not to cancel the meetings.  One person, public servant did not turn up for his meeting. I listened as the staff talked about black out and low voltage. Some generators are packing in.  I think I should find a way to write about memories of the 80s and early nineties when staff had to come and sit outside because their offices were dark and hot and they did not work.

I am cursing at the heaviness. Instead of doing some of the  big tasks I am finding distractions. I am cursing myself for not making use of time. I look at the dust covered junk.. which has to be cleaned. It is not my junk, somebody else's pride and memories and worship is meant to be allowing those who want those memories to keep them.

Big tasks around. The plans are awry. I am trapped in a bizarre contract - two people already cynical about the outcome. Trying to look at this positively.

Stumbling instead of walking confidently on the pavements. Cross to the avenue and stumble on the paper cups and boxes which I did not see lying on the edges.

There is a place to cross. I get alert.. Focus.. dont cross just like that. Traffic is confusing.  Manage to make it across.

There is a beautiful moon around.  The past comes back again, in blasts. I smile and connect and look away when I see a flash of a wedding ring. Thinking of the wedding ring also flashing on the hands which I used to hold and thinking that no blasted way.. let me look away.. I not going down no road of sin.

Stumbling in the hot sun. Things coming up. Universe says.. no no.. request comes in.. young people, mental health.. I laugh.. something inside of me, the part which doesn't have me crossing the road without looking left or right says.. yep.. will do it.. The woman making the request remembers still from 12 years ago and is asking in a way that means that it was a good memory.

Call another woman , not to talk really, but to hear her deep belly laugh which gets me laughing too. She laughs despite the real challenges she has. 

Saying yes to other work which is bizarre, but because it will pay. Thinking of how time flies, and I have not done anything new and I keep rehashing and repackaging the old.

Stumbling in the hot sun while thinking of these things. This cannot be the new.