Palm tree and self reliance..

I kicked myself after reading the email response to one of my ventings.  I should have kept my mouth shut, but it was a weak moment of venting rather than logically composing a blog.

The email response was well meaning, and full of concern and important calls for self-love, care etc.. but I didn't really need a response, or maybe I just wanted a 'sigh' or 'lol' or 'so what do you intend to do about this?"

There is a palm tree in front of the  yard and I like how it sways in the breeze and how parrots and other birds often manage to eat the fruit. It is old.. one day it will fall down but as long as I have known myself it has been there . I remember a plea to not cut it down when the fence was changing.

The fruits sometimes turn into seeds and I should have replanted and kept seedlings .. a kind of regeneration. But I didn't. The dried palm fruit sometimes composts and the soil around the base is fertile.

I like how the tree is useful, swaying in wind, enjoying rain, standing up to the heat. It ages, but there is this cycle of new leaves growing, and old leaves dropping and new fruit coming out and old fruit dropping off.

I know that waiting ,as I deal with some of the dark periods and low periods, is a good thing. A man talked of recovering from an anxiety crisis, and feeling as he acknowledged triggers, a kind of shedding and lightening, Learning from every crisis.

I have succeeded in keeping safe spaces away from people so that I do not frustrate them with my problems. It is instinctive to think that friends and acquaintances should be able to be receptive  and that does not work out and could do harm and jeopardise relationships.

I know there are layers of self and that functioning is not a bad thing. Sometimes I might engage when I should not, and resort to using listening and affirming when I am not alert and attentive.  Since being open to being conscious of my own feelings as I deal with people, I have managed to engage or to withdraw without any problems.

There is a path to wellness and there are many distractions. I am constantly engaging in bad habits instead of sustaining good. I am always curious about how easy it is to let go of good habits. 

Like the palm tree though, there are cycles, of creation and decay, until one day, it will fall and its body converted into something new.




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