Orange buds in purple flowers and the talking problems..

"I don't want to call, I don't want to trigger anything'.. the loved one said apologetically during a surprise phone call. The friendship had ended in an amicable way. We both realised that communication was difficult as I had to be honest about mental health and inability to pretend in social situations and that was not part of the friendship.

I tried to explain though, that I did not give power to anyone to trigger anything. My responses of anger, fear, love, being upset, low are my own and I accept responsibility. And that I tried to keep connections with people open and hope that it was possible to be useful without seeming upset.

A man apologised for making me upset. I could not find words really to explain again.

The irony in the Universe, is that work pushes me in situations which require active listening and responding. I came through a recent project and I think of the dynamics and the success. It was not easy and I keep thinking, how can I do this in work, but not in social and personal life.

Work is perhaps performance. Maybe survival instincts. I didn't think I was pretending though, or being different.

Some people I work with are surprised when I tell them that I am not keen on the social chit chat. Social chit chat requires different energies.

I believe people think that in being honest about my mental health issues, I am putting up a barrier. I like to think that I keep channels open, and that I can be clear that while not engaging in any random social chat, I am happy to be transactional and useful. 

You want something , feel free to ask. If I cannot do anything, I will let you know.

Sometimes it is not so straightforward as people are not sure what they want.  I can try sometimes to facilitate a conversation towards some outcome but that then becomes work. Sometimes I cannot do that as I don't have the capacity. I am also avoiding conflict in personal life.


In the work life, there will be conflict as that is the nature of some work - moving through a conflict situation to some outcome.

Sometimes there is no boundary between the personal and the work life. Connections made through work might become personal, while some awkward personal connections have moved into work. 

I remain open though, to all kinds of random things and surprises.. like watching at how the way two trees blend gives an illusion of an orange bud bearing in a
purple orchid.

I am reading this and I know I am not making sense. But that is the good thing about blogs for therapy. People don't have to listen to any of this.