Letter to my 16 year old self..

Dear 16 year old me

You are going to be even more horrified, appalled and embarrassed than the 35 year old me  that you are going to be writing stupid things like letters to your self instead of meaningful things like software programs and so.

Your future looks all set . You have just done well in the CXC exams and the script is playing out. Next set of exams and then University and then work and money.

You will have a chance to escape from one of the prisons of your own making.

You will find that it does not work out that way.  That fate will work in strange ways that instead of escaping from the prison, you will be more tightly incarcerated in it.

You will be healthy . Your mental health will deteriorate but you will learn soon enough how to cope with that. There will be some crises, you will barely survive,  your spirit will take a beating. Academics and studies will not be for the joy of learning, but for finding ways to survive. You will be surprised to learn that focus and concentration will become difficult and things that were easy for you would become difficult.

You will be happy that I can now assert that I like being alone. You had known that then, but felt awkward about it because it seemed weird to not want lots of friends.

You will manage to maintain good relationships with many people. You will be surprised that some of the people who did not have much time for you in school would be seeking you out. You will still see the class distinctions and so play out though and you will be amused by it all. Most people are nice, many of them will survive some of their own crises.

You will be glad too for the connections maintained like the girl who you walked home with sometimes who had the big smile and kind spirit who turned into a woman with the same big smile and same kind spirit

You will probably never believe that two of your academic rivals will be the people to whom you disclose secrets.. their intelligence includes strong observation skills. You will be surprised that you and one of the girls in your class you least expect to be interested in these things end up working together on anti-discrimination project.

You will feel weird that a few people will ask you to dinner, lunch , whatever.. because they think you are an "interesting person". You will be happy to know that you will eventually find language to not accept the invitations to be interesting. You will also be surprised at the effort I go to let people know that I am perfectly happy with dealing with requests for information or whatever, without having to socialise. You will want to know 'what the hell.. ?".


You will also realise that even though you hate talking in public, you will end up in strange places like  giving a speech back in school. and doing work which requires talking in public.

You will be horrified that people who were trouble makers in school and who became decent respectable citizens who don't question the status quo will say things like  "Is how you get so, you were a good boy in school?" . You never imagined yourself as someone who would be questioning any status quo.


You will laugh at me that even though you knew that marriage and relationships were not in your plans.. that I still fall in love and so. You will be appalled that I seem to be repeating passive aggressive behaviours instead of resisting the temptation to restore connections.

You will be horrified that the past keeps repeating itself, that in one week you will be horribly brought back to relieve loss of three important things and how the memories have impacted on the ability to deal with the reincarnations in a sensible way. You will want to curse me for repeating  some of the conversations that are meant to be therapeutic.. in that the same issues come up and things don't change. You will tell me to stop being an ass and get on with life.

You will be angry that things did not work out as you had hoped and worked for and that what eventually happened is not better.



I have to let go of you now though, as continuing from now on means working from the here and now. You will laugh at me and wonder what nonsense I am talking when you realise that I have said the same thing many times.

Yours
Me