Letter to my 35 year old self..

Dear 35 year old me,

You are going to be horrified that a time would even come when you would contemplate stupidness like writing a letter back to your self. You are busy and active, you have survived a crisis and you don't spend too much time looking back but looking forward.

That is a good thing. Take some time though from that busyness to check your body and see how the running and exercising are impacting on it.  You will have to find other ways of coping with your  mental health issues and at times , things will seem worse.

You will see indications that people will surprise you. Some people will rise above your expectations, others will behave as you expected and others will horrify and disappoint you. You will probably do the same to other people never mind that is not your intention.

That crisis you survived will manifest again, and again, and it will impact on you forever. The things you think you are investing in for self care will not come through, so you will have to find other ways of survival.

You will find yourself constantly being grateful that you have no intentions of being married or in a relationship, and do not have children.


You will  find though that the life you wanted did work out and that you will find that you are dealing with children when you least have the skills, knowledge and capacity to do so.

You will keep falling in love though, and making mistakes . You will be told you are abusive by people who are really smart, and you will find yourself dealing with someone who is crying at something you say in public. Even though you hoped not to get too close to people to avoid this janjhat.

Work will change. You will not be doing the things you thought you would have been doing. It will get harder to do the work and to maintain the quality as you deal with multiple things. It is a good thing that you  want to learn new things and new ways of doing things.. that will change too as things become more difficult , time will fly and the decline will be rapid.


You will have to curb that sweet tooth, and you will lose the battle as you try to keep your body flexible and pain free.  Before you know it, there will be pains.

You will find that some of the people who have finished with you, will pop up back , and others who you are intimate with, will remove themselves from your life. While you have managed to be sensible about things, you will be confronted one day by a stranger telling you your secrets which you thought had been revealed  in confidence. You will learn to deal with your secrets yourself.

That energy you have now, and the desire to do wild and wonderful things will change. There is nothing you can do to stop the slowing down. You will want to keep fighting and struggling with the loss of what might have been.

Your attitude of not holding gains for yourself will pay off . There will be moments of surprise when strange things will come through.

You will find that as you try to find ways of coping with the things you are not in control of. You like to keep things neat and tidy but you will learn to give that up as you cannot control the environment you wanted to create for yourself. You will find beauty in the grass shooting up out of the cracked concrete without worrying about the cracks and the moss on the concrete. You know when the grass is weeded out, it will grow again.

You will find inspirations from lizards, and be grateful that the bird mess is all over the steps and so - it means that animal life is around even though you don't like animals.



Yours

Looking back instead of being present and looking forward.