Letter to the loved one who calls on the way home sometimes...

Dear loved one

Last night I stayed half awake waiting on the call . We had spoken and you said you would call though you did not want to wake me up. I said no , it was okay.. feel free to call .. if I could not talk to you I would let you know.

I woke up and sent a text when I realised you had not called. You had told me you had read a blog I had written. I did not realise that you read my blogs.

I could send this as a letter to you but there is no point really since I had decided long ago to keep my distance, respectfully and not be intrusive.

I also am nervous about adultery since you are married and I have no intention of stepping over boundaries. I am happily single and have no interest in cheating though I know how easy it is to slip up sometimes. 

I wish you had called and that we could have had the conversation about neutral things. I had saved up some things I wanted to ask  you, nice neutral things.
I know that sometimes I find it difficult to fill the spaces with words which will not create any problems or remind us of the past when we used to tell each other everything .

I still remember hanging up the phone thinking 'what the hell was that, I thought we had finished talking' that night in October last year when you first called me. I laughed the night of my birthday when it was almost midnight.. we did not talk about the birthday and I hung up and thought, what a thing .

There were times in our lives , when we did not talk to each other. I have sought to steer clear and to avoid any contact. I celebrate that I do not creep your Facebook profile any more, and I had promised myself not to try to contact you.

But you for some reason started calling again. I had told you that with my mental health issues, I could not do the nice polite conversation all the time but that I could be useful if I know if you needed anything.



Perhaps last night you found what you needed so I did not have to be of use.

I woke up at 1am and thought that .. in a place with a lot of disunity, that you sought to keep a connection despite the difficulties we had . I remember you asking me one time if I wanted you to stay out of contact and I said, you choose.

No, I don't want you to stay out of contact.

And I know we are not friends as I would not burden you with the demands I make these days of the people I call friend.   I know that we will not be friends either as our value systems are different.

Still though, I love you. I know you are married and those thoughts are wrong and so .. because the love does involve bits of lust which I have no intention of acting on.

I had written that when you reach home and we hang up, that I wonder if that would be the last call . I know in the past there have been gaps when I hear nothing and I assume that you have no need to let me know anything.

I am careful with what I say, but I know I could slip up and in any case, I want to ensure that you do the talking because I like hearing from you what's going on in your life.

In the last couple of months, I took liberties of intruding on your life because of the calls. I feel now that I should not have done that, and that I should only respond to you when you feel you want to talk to me.

I wonder during the time when we are not talking to each other how things are going. I type messages and emails to you and then delete them because I know from past experience that you sometimes go back and forth on whether you should be in contact with me.

I texted you last night, and there has been no reply as sometimes happens.
In case you read this letter, this is what I want you to know.

I love you , but have no intention of pursuing a relationship with you or anything of the sort. Adultery is not my thing.

I also cannot believe that big man like me have time to write stupidness like this instead of getting on with work and more important things.

I am grateful to you for restoring contact. It used to bother me - wondering why you were doing so, and whether I was giving you what you needed because you never would let me know. That does not matter to me now.

As I deal with my mental health and physical health issues, I work to ensure that every social interaction is nurturing , and that I have space to end the interaction if I feel I can do harm.  I am not too good with social chit chat.

I also feel good when I manage a good conversation and where the person I am talking feels that they have accomplished something by talking to me.

In our interactions, we have always been honest - maybe preferring to leave difficult things unsaid or ending up after the difficulties , breaking the communication.

It struck me that over the last few months, we were able to maintain honesty. In that spirit, I write this letter.  I know I could have written in my diary, but the thoughts would not be clear. 

I don't know when you will call me again, but I am looking forward to hearing from you. Otherwise, well, that's okay too.

Much love.