6 thoughts about reciprocity and unconditional giving

Recent experiences of being refused when I asked people for help for myself or for others have had me thinking of reciprocity.  Reciprocity usually involves a mutual exchange of benefits.

I still feel embarrassed when I am refused help from people who have told me 'thanks for your help'.

I am constantly working on practising unconditional giving and not worrying about reciprocity. The practical application of unconditional giving is making sure that you do not ask the persons you have helped for anything at all.

The Universe has a way of working, and benefits come from unexpected places. It would be unfair to think of 'ungrateful wretches' without thinking of all the people who have helped me unconditionally and in realising that benefits come in different ways.

These are lessons I have had in understanding giving without expecting returns.

1. There are benefits

 There is joy in making (some) people happy . There is that nice fuzzy feeling that comes from knowing that someone could carry on with their enterprise. There are possibilities of building relationships, creating contacts, sometimes breaking barriers. The benefits are not always immediate, or perhaps not immediately realised.

2. Organising an event is easy to do
 There are different ways to contributing and giving  back. Individual requests are direct. There are ways of contributing which include writing and sharing teaching resources, composing observations, offering suggestions for improvement which have nothing to do with being destructive.  I have planned and organised, and participated in organising events, and it has been interesting.  The best event is one which is focussed on the people who are attending. 


3. There is learning in doing
Requests have come in for help which are outside my skill sets. So, if there are no referrals, I have had to learn to do things instead of saying 'I don't know'. It has been good to share work products to get feedback and to improve.


4. Ask before giving unsolicited help or assuming anything
 I have learned to ask if people need help before giving any. It is always important to check with people to make sure the requests are clear. There have been many times when I have misunderstood requests for help due to a lack of clear communication. I have refused help from people because I do not wish to have any obligation to them, and I think others have done the same to me.


5. It becomes easier to deal with those who would never help or reciprocate
The embarrassment and sadness at a refusal or rejection of a request for help is usually followed by a reminder that , unconditional giving means just that. Do not ask the people , especially those who have been most insistent in their asking, to do anything in return.  I have not thought of anyone as being 'ungrateful' or 'but look how I help dem and dem nah ah help nobody in return'


6. Nothing is lost
I have learned to check on what I can offer before selfishly giving. I am fortunate to have time and other resources to share out, so nothing is lost.  In not expecting anything in return , there is nothing lost in counting gains or being angry over any imbalance in the benefits.

This is all a work in progress. I am writing this as I think of the recent experiences of rejection.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Turpentine mango madness

Image
Some of the mango was stuck on the stubble around my mouth. I looked at the mirror, a bit of shame because I had just collected an invitation from a well dressed guy and I wonder how I must have looked to him.. look at dis big man .. he cyan eat mango good . Thing is.. wiping off mango from stubble is difficult.. and the casual swipe with a hand which might have some juice is also useless. The turpentine mango is useless when it is green - it tastes awful, like turpentine.  Mother Nature works a miracle because the ripe one though, is sweet, juicy, no strings and no turpentine taste. And the colours on the skins are bright yellow/orange/pink/purple/red shades that are probably meant to draw all species of mango lovers. The trouble with turpentine is that you cannot pick it green or 'turnin' ' to ripen like say how they do it with Spice mangoes.  You have to leave on the tree until there is some point.. when there is no taste of turpentine. So you look at the m
Read more

Re-writing Irfaan Ali's disgraceful statement after accepting his comrade's resignation

Image
  (President Irfaan Ali made a Facebook post in which he accepted the resignation of his comrade Nigel Dharmlall from the Cabinet and the Party. This is an imaginary rewriting of that statement) Fellow Guyanese, as you’re aware, I am in Trinidad and Tobago attending the 45th session of the Heads of Government meeting of CARICOM and the 50th anniversary of CARICOM.  Tonight I want to address you in relation to the allegation that was made multiple allegations of rape and sexual violence which have been made against Minister Nigel Dharamlall.  From the inception, I advised the population that I would allow the system to work.   I would never and the government would never intervene in the system. We’ve allowed an independent investigation; the minister proceeded on leave to ensure that an independent investigation was conducted. I recognise that many survivors of rape and other forms of gender-based violence do not trust the system to work because it has failed many times.  I ad
Read more

My experience with depression - Dr Raquel Thomas-Caesar

Image
(The University of Guyana held Turkeyne & Tain Talks 2 on Monday 12 September, 2016 on Suicide Prevention . Dr Raquel Thomas-Caesar made a presentation based on her experience. This is the text of the presentation) by Raquel Thomas-Caesar I am not an expert on the issue of Suicide and Depression but this is my personal journey dealing with such issues. I have never spoken publicly about this at such a forum and I hope that it serves to help others even if only a small way- Dr Raquel Thomas-Caesar South East London,  June 9, 1995 As I sit under the tree, hidden from all eyes…I wait….to go. I wait to die. Then it hits me…OMG. I really don’t want to die. What have I done? My head is swinging, fuzzy, I can hardly walk. But I barely make it up and up the hill…I see two young black men in the distance…they come towards me, I could only imagine they thought I was on drugs..I beg for help. My Angels.  I wake up in the hospital. This was me- 21 years ago.  In a foreign land, drea
Read more