Welcoming the dark clouds...

Monday morning and it is raining and guilt that I am not getting up to hustle like so many others. Thunder and lightning.  Nice to lie down and enjoy. The limbo of self employment - sending reminders out to people to ask for work.

It is not a holiday or sabbatical - because you have to be on the alert. One prospective client calls on Saturday at 8pm and Sunday 8pm and it is okay.. so I can lie in bed on Monday morning and say that the time answering the calls is make up time.

The days had passed, trying to make them productive or not because being on edge waiting on calls, while fighting away dark clouds , while wondering whether to accept things and sit still while also functioning.

Decision to take the diclofenac to see if it would help with the pain. The elderly woman in the mandir, sitting for 90 minutes, orhini on head, back straight, knees on floor.. easy.. thick spectacles. Me fidgeting.. moving legs around and twisting back to keep pain shifting .
This weekend, Bhagmattie Persaud dies in a fire of unknown origin. Munila and Jamir are killed by bandits. 

Happiness for me used to be about wanting to be able to run two miles. Now
Ambition and Happiness are to sit in lotus position with the knees firmly on the floor, lotus position without feeling any of the pain which not going away with the diclofenac. 

Ambition is no longer long term. It is moment by moment.  Guilt at lying in bed while rain falls shifts to gratitude that the rains have come after the dry season and that I will make up for the time somehow.
Uncertainty at the future becomes detachment from caring about the future.

The blasted pain though in the thigh.. not giving up on hoping that one day I will sit like the old woman in the mandir. 













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