Self medicating with some kinds of helping..

Deep sadness at the end of a day which started with me telling a man who I think needs support that I can no longer provide that support, and that I can't keep my promise of 'you can call me any time you want and I will talk/listen to you"

Irony examined though, in a particularly low episode, when the nice cold dark mornings match the mood and part of the mind is screaming .. withdraw, go , take a break, dont talk to anybody.. that the Universe does not listen and there is a blast of requests for information, help, etc and when counting.. 14 requests responded to. more than I have ever had in any one time with a bizarre range and one woman who helped me tremendously .

I have not been seeking out voluntary opportunities or going to look for help as the energy to do that is too much. 

Resisting the urge to not function is not recommended really for all persons, but being able to fulfil some transactions without any expectations of reward  is rewarding in that being able to retain connection is a reminder of ways in which you can be useful , or not as the case might be.

I am writing this as I have to contemplate another writing thing which requires energy and a couple of things which have to be done while thinking I should stop thinking for awhile and then warring with myself over thinking, not thinking , doing not doing ..  but in the middle of that war is the information which I can easily provide and which is a distraction .. temporarily maybe .. but at least feeling that I did not just sit back and do nothing.. not that anything is wrong with sitting back  and doing nothing.

Not all requests for help can be handled.. some require intense focus and detachment which are not possible now.

Do no harm is the first thing I think about and hence postponing or saying No is important, though with me saying No creates more trauma but sometimes has to be done.

Important though, not to be come addicted or dependent on 'helping' as a way of surviving.. much like sugar, or serotonin or anything else.

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