Madeleines and other lessons as the clouds parted..

Woke and did not feel so bad and did want to get up to do the chores and so. The body pained but it did not bother too much.

Cleaning - wiping over surfaces which had been wiped before as it seemed the clouds were lifting again.. and thinking over the things which got me through the last few days..

1. Madeleines and other good and bad food
Eating and binge eating.. but not over doing it since binge eating on crap makes you feel worse. Having one or two good things around to binge on. Chewing dried pineapple and banana  was not so bad as chips and so. A friend had madeleines "take them the kids wouldn't eat them.." Trying to figure out what is the good food and what is the bad food. Food probably takes awhile to work. Bad food probably counters good food.

2. Spontaneous things
Doing things randomly. Like the mundane tasks which had to be done. Small things which did not require energy but which could generate energy. Like going and collect books which I might not read now but maybe later. And accessing learning events even though they seem overwhelming. Some of them are, others might not be. And listening to music which I had not heard before and which I had forgotten I liked rather than working.


3. Acceptance

I managed not to fight too much. Things were really bad one night.. but something said wait wait, don't fight up.

A woman with depression laughed when I said I now tell people when they ask 'What do you do?' .. I manage my mental health.    Acceptance that this is it. Relief that I am planning the work and things which have to be done, and being detached from what will happen. Relief at thinking of possibilities and ways of trying to get over the limitations. All of this which comes at the end of a low period.. and not worrying too much about when the next low period will come again or how long it will last.

4. People
Avoiding people without avoiding people. Managing social interactions and keeping focussed on the interaction and the transaction sometimes - not getting too deep. Every 'thank you' or thumbs up a sign of functioning and keeping connected with the world around. Lizards came out a lot these last few days.

Not giving into the urge to go and lock away in a cool dark room.  Functioning.  Not worrying about who is a friend and who is a lost friend and who is not a friend. Trying to stay present without mourning the past.

5. Mindfulness
Mindfulness.. requires practice and meditation, to get through. I do not meditate. Prayer is kind of random.  I was absent minded today thinking of other things as I was doing the mundane chores. And then I deliberately thought of cleaning some places which I normally don't clean. Deciding that I had to write this blog now and not later. Mindfulness in the transactions with people.

 6.  Yellow wild flowers
For two days running I had seen these yellow wild flowers growing on the parapet and thought today it would be good to use to picture this blog. I went this morning to get the picture and the flowers are gone..

I managed to laugh and say nothing lasts forever, rather than feel that I had failed again. I went looking for other pictures.