"We can do anything we want" - Zenita

This is not for you Zenita because really it is late.

This is for me, angry that even though we had lost touch and even though our politics were very different and the hugs were sometimes awkward and that even though the last time we talked , we talked for two hours before you said 'but that is not what I call you for'..angry and guilty that the last days of your life that are being unravelled showed that I, and the woman who knew you and who is also deeply mourning .. that we did not manage to let you know that hey.. you could call on us to do whatever.. beat up the man and all if that was called for.


This is not for you Zenita. This is for me because I am confused as to how to now wait until you are dead to pay tribute to you even as the values were different and things had shifted and in real life I had witnessed some of the things you did and wondered whether I should have found ways to say to you.. hold on, take your time.. that is not right.. you have to learn about accountability .


 When I worked with you, the long conversations about ways of doing the workshops - the vegetarian food and the fruit bowl snacks.. the dictatorship of health and yoga ice breakers.. because as we said.. 'we could do anything we want' - Like when you decided to hold your first gay rights march on your own... because you felt you wanted to do something.

But the sheer ability to talk for a long time.  Guyana is messed up and many of us who have needed help have found ways of helping others and sometimes, it works and other times it doesn't.

So you smiled and laughed through your challenges. There were times I was concerned but by those times, I could not mind your business and now I see your business is all over the place.

You loved your children. You loved your ex-husband. You loved your family.  You wanted to make others happy and that itself had its own problems.

You had introduced me one time to the man who I will maintain, killed you.

You were to call me back about the training which you wanted me to do. You told me to hold on to the manual. I have the manual and will wait on your call.

The last time we talked we had said we have to make sure we have an agenda for the talk because we will talk stupidness for hours and not get any work done.

I don't want to read any more about your last days and why and why not your life ended the way it did. I want to remember laughing about how people said they did not expect that dhal and rice and coconut choka and boulanger and chunks could taste nice; and that you were able to pull off and organise events way below the budget.

I want to remember how you liked Art of Living and Yoga .. and the Yoga in the park.

That was a long ago. I would not be remembering these things if you were alive.

There is much to do in Guyana about self care for those who are carers and take on healing and counselling roles. We are messed up in the way in which we view helping as a power thing.

This is not for you Zenita because it is too late. This is for me so that I could try to get over my guilt and anger and not feel a hypocrite for talking about these things but when the crunch comes, not being able to be in a position to help.