Writing neem

Woman looked at my ID Card and then looked at me and said 'dis is you?" I said yes, what.. I doan like dat? She said no, I say what, I only lil older. She said 'dis look like you pick up yuh son ID and bring it.. "

Minutes before I had been plodding on the road, feeling a bit dazed by trying to avoid the vehicles pushing me onto the grass and then wondering about the things which I had to do and fighting the urge to find somewhere to go and sit down.

It was a strange week and a weekend with 5 paracetamol for no reason other than the body could not cope with sleep loss and the crunching up which comes with mental health issues matched with stress and also wondering if the paracetamol was fake but it seemed not to be.

There is writing to be done, but the words and ideas are not flowing as fast as they should as there is a kind of underlying thing about wondering if this is the kind of work I should be doing .

Emotional intelligence is needed for another job which had been a challenge but in which the intensity of one of my bosses passions for the work is also matched by her ruthless communications when she is frustrated and the whole unpredictability of that is also making things worse. I craft my resignation email in my head and feel tired and then do not bother. I see the number on the phone and do not answer just in case it is a call I cannot deal with.

I stare at the buns in the case.. nice looking buns with fruits inside and I think of the buns with milk as the lady sorts out the cell phone credit. I manage not to buy the buns.

I walk towards a place with heavy heart since I avoid the place in case a former loved one appears and I have to make nice conversation as though we are nice polite strangers . Fortunately and unfortunately there is no meeting so the shoulders relaxed at the relief of not having to work through the encounter matched with the wondering of what might have been and if there were ways to fix things.

Being functional .. conversations and meetings and so.. .. but exhausting.

One foot in front of another.. body kind of moving without thinking on the busy roads. The walking not really helping as every step kind of comes with a feeling of wanting to stop and sit down and not move.

Thinking of indulging in some carcass and grape soft drink , I pass the place though and then look at it and look away again. The crunchies are there. I have gone through a tin of nuts and now hurting my teeth and gums on plantain chips.

There is pineapple - nice one. And mango, 4 for 200 (pick from the tree) the cost of a scoop of ice cream which I am craving for as well. There is mango 4 for 100 (fall on the ground) . 



The sugar from the pineapple and the mango helps and the feeling that I did not indulge. Feeling that I have to find a way to write this somehow.

The neem tree is from the mandir on Sunday. Neem has healing powers and so. I had left the picture one side to think of what it could be used. Neem bath and so. Neem tea/bitters for something.  Writing this feels good, maybe temporary good like ice cream or pineapple or mango, but good though , better than when agonizing over whether to buy the buns to crumble to eat with milk.

The report now..