Lessons from the bird on loving like a man

The bird kept flying away. This is the third year in a row that a nest is in almost the same spot between the floor and the beam under the house.  It might not be the same bird in the same spot. It is nice though. I get anxious when the babies come and I hope that they will grow and fly away. A new nest because we clean up the old nests. It is nice to know that the birds like the spot.

I want to take a picture but the bird flies away and quarrels and eventually I give up and let go of the desire to have the perfect picture.

Letting go.

In the middle of the madness, the recent times have had great news about people I love and who used to love me.  Watching the news and knowing that there are other stories behind the stories reported which would not be told, but all good news as well. Feeling proud of the loved ones but holding back because of the various restraining orders - some of them intermittent-  which came at the end of connections/friendships/loveships/ which did not work out.

The bird seeing me and flying away and thinking of the times when the eye contact was made in places and the looking away and the passing straight.  The bird though comes back and is there, nearby. I am no threat. I want nothing from the bird except the picture for the blog.

What do I want from the former loved ones? I want to be able to see your stories and photographs and not feel the blow in the stomach which comes from not being able to share that story with you and laugh and cry about it. I want to be able not to send any emails or click any likes to honour the restraining orders while at the same time thinking that in ordinary circumstances it is what I would do with people who I barely know .

I want not to have to avoid places and events where memories will come back and where explanations of the avoidance would have to be made.

I want to move beyond wishing the past had not happened to being grateful for the past and then moving on. 

Man must be strong and not vulnerable but at this time I want to be strong and vulnerable because the blows ease off as they do and life goes on. There is no desire for any relationship with the former loved ones but to be able to maintain a connection which is about the good history which changed to bad history. I am lucky in that I still want to be able to hug all of my former loved ones and that there was no harm done by any of them.  Letting go will mean being able to hear the good news and the bad news without feeling any instinct to reach out.

The bird built that nest over two days. The bird will lay the eggs, hatch the young ones and then  hopefully they will all fly away. I will pretend the bird is there while not being there so it can be comfortable. No eye contact again.
I will clean the dead nest after they are gone. The birds  may come back, to the same spot and build a new nest. They may not. It should not matter either way.