5 lessons on being useful...

Some recent exchanges and experiences had me thinking again of how people connect to each other and disconnect from each other.  As I got older and my mental health issues required me to work on self care rather than on managing relationships with people who I think behave in contradiction to their values, I had to readjust to being useful.

I look at being useful as being a milder, perhaps less selfish form of helping. Usefulness to me means having some direct contact with a person who has some need and then finding ways of fulfilling that need.

Some of the things which I have learned about being useful are


1. Expect no reward , recognition and obligation

It is sad that people lament 'being used' and also how much they or others have 'done' for xyz and there is no gratitude. One of the lessons for me in the last year as I have let go of any desire in terms of reward, recognition and obligation is that it becomes easier to focus on being useful rather than on worrying about the recognition and reward.  So yes, it is okay to be 'used' ! Some people will not be readily able to be useful but that is all of how humanity is.


The world has a way of working things out. A woman I last worked with in 2007 has asked me to do some work with her eight years after I thought the working relationship was over!


2.  Assess the need carefully

A man who suffered a recent loss told me that he was 'accepting donations'. Our friendship had ended and I thought that he was in a serious situation and hence reaching out for support to all the people he could access.
He told me afterwards he was joking as he sorted his situation out.

It is clear to understand what is needed and not jump to quick conclusions without clarifying.  It is easy when people make direct requests.. 'please for a phone number' , please for some money, Can you tell me where, can you check this.. but other times, it might not be clear as sometimes people might just want an ear and might not want to ask.

A random conversation on Facebook with no clear requests had a man typing answers to his own questions and then he said 'thank u man, it is clear now' and I was not sure what was clear, but said no problems.

3. Acknowledge your limitations and scope
A man asked me to print something and to be CONFIDENTIAL. I said I could not promise confidentiality and he never responded. Another woman who had told me I was abusive to her asked to have a one on one conversation with her about some work. I told her that I could not do that since I needed to have witnesses and to keep records of all conversations in case there were concerns that I continued to be  abusive.

A student asked me to check an assignment. I contacted the lecturer to find out how much help I could give before checking the assignment.

It is always good to explain your limitations when asked to be useful. There might be limitations of time, ethics or just simply not knowing what to do.

Be clear about your ethics.  It is okay to say no.  However, in saying no, it is good to work out if there are other options for the person.

Try a referral or asking someone else. Get the phone number of someone else and share the number.



4. When time seems to be wasted..
A man told me that he gets vexed when he works on something for his girlfriend and then she changes her mind. One of the biggest challenges in terms of being useful is understanding that there is no expectation or reward expected. I have done many things after being asked and then they were not used or recommendations not followed through. I have gone through, what the hell...

To avoid time wasting, clarify the needs. Check in that what you are doing is what you need. And if the people do not need what you do, remember, there is no obligation. There might be things you learned.  I had done two white papers on IT issues for Government agencies. They were never used. However, I learned in the process about some of the issues related to the work I did which was not used.

5. Learning as you go..
Being useful in a mindful way could mean that you learn as you go. What are you learning about yourself? What are you learning about the relationship with the persons or the context they are working in? What are you learning about how you manage time ? What are you learning about listening and your own motivations for being useful? How detached are you from the results of what you do? How much do you care whether your help is useful or not?

I keep emails and messages which have information for strange things which have been requested because they might come in handy again . Gmail is excellent in terms of how emails can be retrieved. I tend to word every response carefully with 'key words' so that I could retrieve the emails if I ever need again. People probably wonder if I am being polite.

While focussing on being useful, I have managed to get over my disappointments with people who I thought would know and do better. I have also laughed at myself as I found myself being useful to 'enemies and foes' ,  but not in ways for them or me to cause harm to anyone.

It has been easy to manage the mental health as well so that instead of worrying about 'relationships and how people are' , it is easier to be useful by doing tasks.