Women leaving men while staying
One woman said it started with love in that he used to tow her home on the bicycle about 5 miles from work and then ride back the 5 miles to where he lived. Her parents had warned her but she was in love. She said two years after the drinking started and then '' "he never used to hit me, but he used to choke me and curse me" .. this when the children came. She could not leave . 'in those days you did not '.. one day after the choking, when he was drunk on the step, eating food, and cursing her she picked up an axe handle and she lashed him several times .. his foot became swollen. She went downstaris afterwards. She said he came down the step limping to ask her if she wanted some of the food. She said things got worse with the cussing out so that she used to be trembling a lot . She said that things changed when she attended a support group and she learned that "I am myself and I do not need him or the marriage". So now she hears the curses and so, but it does not bother her as much as she cooks his food and cleans and goes about her life as though she is single. She cannot put him out .. 'he might kill me' , and also in the past, he begged to come back because he had nowhere to go and 'I feel sorry for him' and divorce will complicate matters so she stays married with him cussing . But she has left, freed herself from being married to an abusive man. The agency did not help her.. because "they told me to leave the man" after he did not come in for counselling after the letter. But the support group at another place helped her with her self esteem which is probably what she needed more than leaving the man.
Another woman said that he started going outside and then wanted to come home and be violent and nobody should wait on any slap before taking any chance because you stop the slap .. she had held her husband's hand when he raised it to hit her and she and him tussled, pulled hair.. she told him she would kill him or he would have to kill her. She was a teacher. She never expected to have to do this. She never divorced .He died soon after. She said that she tells every woman, don't let there even be a first time for slaps.
The woman with the slight stroke said that she did not know she had a stroke as she went to hospital for the stress after the cussing out and the threats of violence. She 'played fast and get ketch' so that is why she had to marry a man whose family did not really approve of her. They had land and they worked to build the house which 'he put in her name' on the land in his name. One day he threw her down and tried to push her head in the door and squeeze it as he closed the door. She managed to get the mortar (stick) and lash him with it. He was a policeman. That was not the end of the violence though and eventually she had to leave , but had to come back due to other family commitments and then went into hospital. She moved out of the house but no divorce because of the complications of the property.. and 'I feel sorry for him, he doesn't have anywhere to go, but I had to talk to him". He was hollering at his child and grandchild who were caring for hm, and their child wants to move out but she has been pleading with the child to stay to look after the father.
She was glad to talk the story. She had never talked about it publicly before and she did not care who knew. She said she felt her body loosen up as she talked.
The other woman who left and came back after 16 years also had some complications with the land and house. She was from a decent Christian family and then he took another woman and then wanted to beat her and cuss her. She moved out , took the children but it was difficult with boy children and the father's family pleaded with her to go back because the young woman had dumped the man and he was destroying the house. She felt that the property was their children's. So two parts.. the she lives with one child and he lives with the other but he cusses her still though no other threats. But "I have my God, my Jesus. I open my prayer book and which ever page it lands on, I pray loudly". No divorce either. One son is an addict. The other is violent only when drunk. But she has left them too because she cannot do anything more about them.
The other woman from a prominent Hindu family who ignores her husband's drunken behaviour and cusses and goes about her life. She tells everybody her husband is okay when they ask until they stopped asking her because she no longer walks with shame and she does not walk with him.
She also cooks and so for the man, but it is up to him if he wants to eat.
The other woman who laughed and said, yes the food thrown and stuck on the roof. But she left it there. He was a good provider, but he wanted to control her but she managed to hold her own until she left. The children are affected so she tries with them.
When asked , so even though you did not leave physically, have you left your husbands? And they raised hands and said.. Oh Yes!
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