When nothing seems to work against the dark clouds...

There are many paths to wellness - a way of living in which there is a balance of productivity and restoration. There is always a struggle to manage depression. The Guyana elections brings on more uncertainty and tension and the whole live like a lotus in the mud thing becomes more impossible.

The old 'crutches' do not seem to work and work, whatever work is, is taking longer. The feelings of being confined and thoughts going around in circles rather than moving in new direction take longer to go away.

It is easy to trip out, and to despair when encounters with people seem to show their 'human weaknesses' more than any kind and when I realise that nice people burning styrofoam in their backyard and that I cannot find words to tell them it is not a good thing to do because I just eat food from them, even the whole principled living thing is crap.

Death comes at its own time. Living while dying or Dying while living requires some ways to not be held back or held down by the kind of mental health which does not create manic grandeur and megalomania  but doubt, fatigue and difficulty to get through ordinary tasks.


These are on my mind though for survival.

• Eating. The clothes are getting tighter and now that I have found easy sources of junk food which provide temporary relief.. much like how an addict finds the drug dealers, I have to watch the food and not keep thinking that what the hell does it matter anyway, that temporary relief is better than none -or that , this is one last time.
• Exercise. Gotta do more. Find different things since the random joint pains and other body aches are no motivation. 
• People. Trying to avoid conversations about elections with their frenzied tones or at least filtering them like how I did on facebook.  Trying to maintain threads of connection even though I have to be disconnected because I can not offer much by way of social interaction beyond being useful in providing information or so. It is difficult to nurture others now, so, being cautious in terms of the interaction. Masking where necessary if masking does not consume too much energy.
• Mindfulness. Trying to be aware of what I am doing. Found myself scrolling up and down the Facebook page in the middle of trying to sort out two other things and some mistakes when cooking. Felt overwhelmed when contemplating some house work and then had to slow down my head.
• Money. Trying to think of how to earn an income and sorting out which budget and how much as even reaching the previous minimum now is challenging. Work has to offer flexible hours. 
• Praying. Not praying for anything beyond being able to maintain mental and physical health to be useful, and not to worry too much when those prayers are not being answered since I am responsible for my own well being.