The yoga of waiting for high tide

Uncle Raghu asked where I will be singing to plant Holika. Struggled to find words to explain that I didn't feel like chowtaal.. trying to avoid PPP politics this season and also just trying to avoid people and having to focus and think.  A cuss up in the minibus and then also another bad communication with a lady about skin lightening in my head and I am thinking I need to shut up.

Day before with a whole set of things to do and just staring at recipes for cakes on the internet and praises to the friend who brought doughnuts with cream which were eaten because the body enjoyed a good yoga routine. 

Battling the urge to keep wishing that I could just switch off and fade away (I am not suicidal ) because of all the back and forth conversations in my head while not managing all the changes which are happening.

Mental health management.. reading about the young man who survived rape who cannot say yes or no to whether he wants his brains fried so he could talk and wondering whether words could be put together so those of us who are mad could ask for the kinds of treatment we want.

In my head, thinking of things I want to write and am not writing so trying not to feel sick about them , and also thinking of pictures to take .




An urge to see the High Tide again at sunset and take some pictures.
Sweet irony on Saturday evening as the camera battery is dead and when I check , there was no high tide anyways but there was one on Sunday morning.

While waiting for the high tide.. I promise that Sunday will be a day off from giving a damn about anything.  And I will try to get up early and do two rounds of surya namaskar before going on the seawall. I will not worry about health and money and the mistakes of the past which brought me here .

I am thinking that I will be on the sea floating around.. but not drowning eventually. Fantasy since I cannot swim.

And also thinking that it does not matter if the website is wrong.. because even at low tide, the sea still looks good in some places and it is good to get some salt air and to just go out anyway.

 
8am and trying not to remember the high from the early morning sweat after running and the feel of the sun then.. or the evening cooling down.

But celebrating that I woke up and did two rounds of surya namaskar after two days of not doing anything.  And at sunrise.

Trying to generate serotonin from a body which has unexpected pain is like some kind of futile resistance.

Resistance though comes .. resistance in not eating the crunchy things at least. Resistance from not pursuing death even if I want to switch off and perhaps in not succumbing .

Resistance of managing here and now all the time. Resistance in managing some connections including the one with a former friend/loved one which resulted in 'thanks man! you always know how to cheer me up"


The Universe has a way of caring.. whether donuts or timely death of camera batteries .  The waves remind me that things will be up and down always and I am glad that I found my way there even though I am not sure where the hell I will go from there and thinking that I am not supposed to worry about that.