Cooking to get through the heaviness..

"Don't put whole geera in the curry, please" my mother instruced as I started the second day of 100% responsibility for cooking at a time when I wanted to just lie down and not move. "And no ginger either"..

The part of the mind which struggles with the dense clouds seeks things to do - the colours in the market and the colours of food help and then the anticipation that somethings can still be done well even though there is the risk of failure to add to the sense of heaviness.

And so potato and channa curry, my favourite.. with the ginger which is not liked by all - I have to cook the potato curry with the skin one day again. And then for the first time saijan, coconut milk.. cooking two pots, one with the whole geera and the ginger , and the other without . Cooking takes time and there is mental energy, the anxiety that it will taste okay and that things will not be wasted.

Then the roti dough, mixed too soft.. but there is a kind of meditative practice.. like when stretching to do the yoga.. of rolling each loi , making it round and taking time to roll out the roti round and celebrating when some swell in the microwave.  Some are soft and some will be hard even though all are the same batch.. a mix of heat, time, etc.


And then the Universe continues.. three visual arts events this week but the social anxiety plus other responsibilities mean not attending. But.. a birthday, and a tradition.. I will bake the cake.. but not one.. two.. a chocolate cake and a sponge cake at the same time. It is a bit stressful, the mixture curdles with the sponge cake.. my nanee's recipe for the sponge cake which I have not made in years.

I forget the organic cocoa stick grated to add to the cake.. and so the cakes are baked.. with a mix of despair that I am not perfect, and some satisfaction that something is done. The cakes raise.. texture even and as most cakes taste, damn good which is good for the mental health craving for sweet and not good for the promise to work on getting the belly down into the 34 inch waist pants.

And cooking bora and shrimps for the first time.. my mother giving instructions again. And then another first, pot roast carcass , and a rice and corn thing which requires steaming.. the water is a bit too much and the rice is too soft I think.

And then pumpkin .. with whole geera, thyme, tomato sweet pepper and every thing. Trying new things.. not pushing too much though.

As the dark blanket covers, I keep thinking of other things I need to learn and do. Concentration is not there.. it is easier to concentrate on rolling each loi to make the sada roti than it is on the tutorials to get the animations going.

It has been a strange week. Two  blogs written which people liked. Food cooked which people liked. Head touching knees in yoga even though the body continues to be stiff .  A former loved one calling for information , and me treating it as normal as I could and not remembering the other calls which used to be more intense and intimate when they should not have been.

One thing about managing depression is focusing, concentrating, feeling things and not succumbing.. I am not sure if it is mindfulness about being in the present all the time.. surviving.