5 types of conversations in my head
Minibus rides, social events, meetings , toilet, early morning and sleepless periods in the night are the times when I have these conversations in my head. As an attempt to structure my madness, I sorted out the types of conversations I have in my head.
1. Conversations with myself in my head
I talk to myself a lot, usually things like get up, move, stop crying, oh lord turn away don't stare so, and go for it and congratulations you did not eat the jam or don't worry, you ate the jam but tomorrow you will not eat the jam. The conversations are mostly one sided, as I never reply to the voice in my head telling me these things.
These happen all the time.
2. One sided conversations, speeches, blogs, letters, emails
Many people's Nobel Prize acceptance speeches are famous - some are nice and long and often quoted. Others are short. I never get beyond the first two lines of my acceptance speech. My Oscar acceptance speeches I get lost at the people I would want to thank and wonder who I would thank and whether I could make some nice witty speech that would be remembered for ever. Other times I think of what I would say if I were to refuse awards on ethical grounds - some people's refusal speeches are often quoted too. Thankfully in real life, I have only ever delivered one major speech in my life. That experience was nerve wracking and I have dodged repeating it. And the one or two times I have received awards, I have not had to say anything. And I was apparently proposed for a nomination for an award which I would have refused if I had won it but I did not get to the nomination stage.
These are sometimes likely to happen during commercial breaks during TV Award ceremonies.
3. Conversations replayed with different words
I go back over the conversations from the past. These are the conversations that people say you really should not have. you know.. you cannot change the past and so on. I answer questions differently. I compose different emails to people. I write over letters differently. I image different responses in the facebook and other chats and text messages. I sometimes make jokes and a smile would appear on my face.. and at bad times when it could be that I should not be smiling.
These are likely to happen when in minibuses or sitting in mandir when mind is wandering from the katha
4. Conversations to confront oppressors and abusers
These conversations are with oppressors and abusers and others. I think how I would cuss up the abusive men who I know exist, and the women who beat their children if I see them doing that. I think of how I would have conversations with the market people who sell rotten things when next I see them.
I sometimes build up my courage with words and so on to confront store sellers if I have to return goods . Now and then I go with all fire and so on and then the people take back their thing and give me my money back and I do not have to try my eloquence.
Sometimes the words have slipped out when I least expect them to, I guess instead of having feelings bottled up, the words become bottled up and then they come out . I imagine conversations with minibus drivers and police men and Ministers and so on. Sometimes I imagine the conversations where I don't have the conversation but walk out or walk away .
5. Conversations with former loved ones
What would I do if former loved ones talk to me? I have long conversations in my head with them and try to imagine what it would be like.. making up or cussing again. What would happen if we had seats next to each other in a full plane journey which was long? Or we had to share a hotel room in a full hotel on a disaster zone.. I imagine the front desk conversation and whether I would say yes or no, or if the front desk clerk say is only one bed.. or only one single bed would we share. And of course when one or two former loved ones have made contact.. I never say any of the things I had in my head to say or I find myself tongue tied.
And then I continue the imaginary conversations afterwards.
These conversations are likely to happen at 3am when you wake up and finding things to help you sleep back.
1. Conversations with myself in my head
I talk to myself a lot, usually things like get up, move, stop crying, oh lord turn away don't stare so, and go for it and congratulations you did not eat the jam or don't worry, you ate the jam but tomorrow you will not eat the jam. The conversations are mostly one sided, as I never reply to the voice in my head telling me these things.
These happen all the time.
2. One sided conversations, speeches, blogs, letters, emails
Many people's Nobel Prize acceptance speeches are famous - some are nice and long and often quoted. Others are short. I never get beyond the first two lines of my acceptance speech. My Oscar acceptance speeches I get lost at the people I would want to thank and wonder who I would thank and whether I could make some nice witty speech that would be remembered for ever. Other times I think of what I would say if I were to refuse awards on ethical grounds - some people's refusal speeches are often quoted too. Thankfully in real life, I have only ever delivered one major speech in my life. That experience was nerve wracking and I have dodged repeating it. And the one or two times I have received awards, I have not had to say anything. And I was apparently proposed for a nomination for an award which I would have refused if I had won it but I did not get to the nomination stage.
These are sometimes likely to happen during commercial breaks during TV Award ceremonies.
3. Conversations replayed with different words
I go back over the conversations from the past. These are the conversations that people say you really should not have. you know.. you cannot change the past and so on. I answer questions differently. I compose different emails to people. I write over letters differently. I image different responses in the facebook and other chats and text messages. I sometimes make jokes and a smile would appear on my face.. and at bad times when it could be that I should not be smiling.
These are likely to happen when in minibuses or sitting in mandir when mind is wandering from the katha
4. Conversations to confront oppressors and abusers
These conversations are with oppressors and abusers and others. I think how I would cuss up the abusive men who I know exist, and the women who beat their children if I see them doing that. I think of how I would have conversations with the market people who sell rotten things when next I see them.
I sometimes build up my courage with words and so on to confront store sellers if I have to return goods . Now and then I go with all fire and so on and then the people take back their thing and give me my money back and I do not have to try my eloquence.
Sometimes the words have slipped out when I least expect them to, I guess instead of having feelings bottled up, the words become bottled up and then they come out . I imagine conversations with minibus drivers and police men and Ministers and so on. Sometimes I imagine the conversations where I don't have the conversation but walk out or walk away .
5. Conversations with former loved ones
What would I do if former loved ones talk to me? I have long conversations in my head with them and try to imagine what it would be like.. making up or cussing again. What would happen if we had seats next to each other in a full plane journey which was long? Or we had to share a hotel room in a full hotel on a disaster zone.. I imagine the front desk conversation and whether I would say yes or no, or if the front desk clerk say is only one bed.. or only one single bed would we share. And of course when one or two former loved ones have made contact.. I never say any of the things I had in my head to say or I find myself tongue tied.
And then I continue the imaginary conversations afterwards.
These conversations are likely to happen at 3am when you wake up and finding things to help you sleep back.
Very thoughtful and insightful Vidya. Thanks.
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