Usefulness and unused kleenex..

Two text messages from two women I love dearly and a phone call for work. One text message about a big pot of soup (are there any small pots of soup?) on a stove and offer of company, another about going because I complain that she does not go out enough. But I said no.. and felt bad about it but difficult to explain that while I want to be friendly and useful and helpful , I also need to chill down..to get back some kind of control.  Many changes as plans seem to have gone awry.

Another meeting went ahead though even though I did not feel like it because the Universe has found a way to connect me back with an organisation from which I had a divorce .. and even as I was useful I kept worrying that I would be making mistakes and my competence would be questioned and I remember the horror of the past even as I try to be useful.


And another conversation to help another organisation from which I had divorced with me saying 'please keep this anonymous' - and I know I should be self-righteous about helping those who have caused pain but then there is no pain in providing the information required just as the back will still hurt even if I said No.

Technology is good as while I fight the urge to go in a dark cool room - there are no dark cool rooms near me fortunately - I try to go through emails, and to take the time to answer, to find ways of fixing and writing so that instead of saying something cannot be done, I write what can be done.  Some other conversations require work.
One intelligent guy who engages because he thinks I am intelligent and capable of his level of conversation - I also try to be useful .. hoping that any comments I share are going to be useful to his own intellectual pursuits. I have a fear of failing in usefulness generally so I make sure that I write emails carefully to set expectations. The messed up expectations of the past created a lot of problems.
Dark cool rooms come though as I manage to find a corner and watch a film, two films really and they are good.. the Universe is good in turning the desires into other opportunities.


El Sueno de Lu



Vuelve la Vida

Pain is there though as I try to remember that some of the words from some quarters are based on age and lessening ability and I curse myself for being demanding of space which I feel bad about craving even as I know that one of the niyamas is संतोष, contentment with what is available and not desiring what is not there even for a moment.

The rain probably make the arthritic condition flare up but the pain is the indicator of being in reality and so instead of cutting, I am able to walk around and go and do yoga .. so my head touches my knee as I say to hell with the hip. No meds here either, as the sugar is bad enough without adding diclofenac and things are okay at the moment
And as I think of work, or not think of work.. all the things which I should be doing are not done. The work phone call is about two workshops and I am anxious that I should be creative in delivering them. There are email alerts from the online course which I cannot focus on, and the memories of the Sanskrit which I am not remembering but memories instead of things and people and events and times and words which I should really be forgetting.

Forgetting , things which are not done as I laugh at the unused kleenex because sometimes using the kleenex requires concentration and focus and the mind wanders.. as the thoughts of the things which would make the kleenex needed turn into memories of what happened after and how in the end nothing exists .and those thoughts lead to other thoughts which then make the desire to use the kleenex a joke. and the frustration is followed by laughter at how the unused kleenex while a symbol of a kind of failure, is also a symbol of survival really because you can laugh and not be bothered by the fact that it was not used.