Focussing and re-focussing

You sit in the workshop in the nice Church and you hear them talking about Depression and how it is important to think positive thoughts and pray and hang out with positive people and listen to good music and you kind of smirk and say.. Lord.. who will tell these nice people that there is a bit more to dealing with mental wellness.

But there is no energy really to tell because a lot of energy is consumed in walking and moving and functioning on basic tasks.  There is a kind of sensitivity where the shifts in the environment seem to amplify - the idea that a job you thought would be finished is pending the client's response. the white pile of sand opposite which is blowing into the house and laying all over and the owners of the house live in nice air conditioned places further up the road.. 

the inability to focus and concentrate which means that planning for wellness is not going the way it should and that trying to monitor the diet is happening at a time when you crave mounds of ice cream and chocolate and sugar .. and you think survival is good every time  you say no and resist.. but all the time there is this war going on.. a kind of battle which requires time which should be spent on focusing on things like the classes you started and you have stopped ; or the skills upgrade or the other things.

You know you should look on the road for traffic.. but it feels as though the mind is consumed with.. push away the clouds, focus on now.. keep moving, focus on the meeting, and then the mind is too full to think of the truck blowing behind you to move.

So even as you try to readjust to changing circumstances so that good use can be made of the time available, there is a constant battle to keep the heavy blanket off.. so that there is a kind of survival.  So even as you think of the end of the day.. what you did for wellness ends up being a litany of the things which you did not do for wellness.. I got through the day, I performed, I answered emails, I managed to offer information to people, I did not go and buy chocolate and ice cream and even though the mouth hurts after plaintain chips and sweet potato chips.. there is some conditioning which says that at least you know...

Something new though in that there is bodily pain.. the body is stiff.. the back hurts and this pain as a woman said is related to all the crap which should not be there. The thing with the pain is that even after a good round of yoga where the body is stretched out.. it comes back .. so movement is necessary even if you want to just sit for awhile and do nothing. And walking aimlessly seems like a nice thing to do except that you have to listen to the traffic and not jam people who you pass.. unless of course you take off your clothes and don't bathe when everybody will think you are a mad man and avoid you altogether.