11 lessons from failing to change the world in Guyana

from http://www.wordle.net

You never really start out thinking that you would change the world. A lot of my growing up in the Burnham days was about how to accommodate to the world around me , stay silent, be aware of repercussions and also if possible, think of leaving Guyana.

But life is never straightforward.  And so what should have been a few voluntary hours of typing letters and doing charitable work with Help & Shelter ended up being an experience which involved unlearning everything I had learned about being a man, and relearning and reinforcing some of the things which we used to be silent about.

So after some 19 years or so..and having not learnt my lesson that the world is not so easy to change.. these are however some of the things which have been learned

1. Learning,  Teaching, Sharing
 It is important to be curious, and to listen, observe and expose yourself to learning. There is a lot to learn in Guyana and the Caribbean and a lot of amazing people to learn from. Some of the things might seem useless at the time of learning , but knowledge and information can be stored and developed. Similarly, it is important to teach and to share what you know , so that knowledge about  the work and the issues and the ways of solving them. So many mistakes are repeated, so many good stories are shelved away and not told. Teaching and sharing also requires a bit of vulnerability - exposure to feedback and criticism and questioning,  but I have learned that there is all to gain in responding to criticism and questioning and nothing to lose.

2. Fear and anxiety 
 We have a bad history in Guyana where speaking out was not encouraged or only in certain circles or rum shops. So there is always going to be fear of what will happen if you speak out. A woman told me recently of livelihood lost when her brother joined a political party. These fears are valid. However, another woman told me a lesson from during Burnham's years of oppression.. that she learned to keep everything public, nothing was hidden.. all threats, overt or subtle were reported.  Overcoming fears is a gradual process. Another woman who lives in the UK also is scared to speak out "in case she wants to come back to Guyana to work".
I know that sometimes I have anxiety over possible confrontations in unexpected places with people who I might know.  Livelihoods can be affected .  In 2012, I discussed this thing about how to make a living while maintaining rights as a citizen.  Somethings are easier to talk about than others. I have no idea if I have any solution to dealing with fear since it is always present. I do not mind labels, except hypocrite . I hope that I could respond to anybody who calls me a hypocrite and clarify my positions. Or sometimes I might have to admit that I am a hypocrite.


3. Writing, writing, writing

Yep.. writing. Writing letters to the editor, writing blogs, writing where people might read, even if only one or two persons. It is hard work, writing - a pain. But writing helps to clarify thoughts or reveal the confusion better . Some persons still read, and writing is part of the sharing.  Writing is also good for documentation - for remembering. It might be futile when you think you are writing about the things others and you have written five , ten, fifteen, one hundred years ago.   Writing requires some thought, cussing can be calmed down a bit - important in a place where people like to shout each other down - verbally and textually.


4. Listening
I was never a good listener or observer. Listening requires patience. I aint got no time fuh stupidness. So a lesson I learned is that if I am going to change the world, I kind of have to understand where people are at in the world, especially if some are happy with the way things are, or if they want to change it in a different direction.

Listening, observing, interacting to find out more .. these are skills which are not easy.  They are necessary though, because we don't talk much. A brilliant young poet/artist/writer wrote a thing about Conversations are Dead.. I felt a bit sad because I do believe that conversations do happen in some places, but they do not get noticed because it really is not in anybody's interest . And it is true that many of the persons who want conversations usually want to push their own agendas, rather than learn about anybody else's experiences and ideas. It aint easy.



5. Alone and allies 
Not everybody wants to change the world the way you want to do it. That aint a bad thing.. a lot of people started off with one man/one woman ideas. My anti-alcohol stance is not popular in Guyana. The thing that I found funny with my anti-alcohol stance.. is that most of the persons who would join my stance would disagree with me about everything else. Allies are good,.. always good to join with people. I know one organisation which is careful with its own alliances and for good reason.. I thought they were paranoid. But then I saw how sometimes, persons say one thing and do another and it better to stay far from them . Or if you stay close, you know what dey about and you ensure your values and integrity are intact.  Foreign governments and donors are sometimes scary allies.. I got a bit of Burnham in me and I like the idea of Guyanese talking about the world we should be building, rather than it seem like it coming from up North. But the money thing gets involved, and then things get cloudy. One lesson I learned is that in the beginning, the black and white contrast was easier, then things become very grey and murky. Probably why the world does not change.

6. Being crazy
"You are crazy" is a compliment. Breaking moulds and trying new things. A lot of things I tried did not work, some things I tried again and again and they failed.. like the attempt at Conversations. But I will try them again. Some things , like the gay and lesbian film festival turned out well. Other things like finding allies in strange places, or breaking with allies who no longer holding the same values.. all crazy things.  Sanity is over-rated when you want to change the world.




8. People will surprise you, you will surprise people
You kind of start out believing the best in people, that they will do the things which they say will, especially if they had power. In the early days, I thought that domestic violence and child abuse were fairly non-partisan, that everybody wanted the same thing except the evil abusers and perpetrators.

I remember the shock  when I realised Minister Manickchand , who I thought regardless of her politics, was against child abuse failed to ensure her nominee to the Rights of the Child Commission would go through a fair tribunal to deal with the allegations against him. 

I know people are also shocked when they think that because I am for LGBT equality, that somehow I accept their (and my own) dishonesty in their (and my) personal relationships.  Or some persons want to know how a Hindu (Hindus normally stupid coolies who dont say much about anything) gets involved in changing the world.

But the lessons too, is when the people you least expect to, step up and contribute to changing the world in amazing ways, some not very public.  Years ago, a man said that any 'activist' should celebrate when others who were quiet before, find their voices to join in the 'causes'. I like that.



9. Media

The media has been good in Guyana in dealing with several of the issues. It requires work, building personal relationships and maintaining credibility.  Tragedy though, is when those who are more media savvy than others might get a better ranking, and when some journalists are too busy to go find the stories from remote places.  It is easy to create personalities around the issues, and sometimes the issues are lost.

I know I have had one unfortunate experience where one media person did say they will not cover any events I am in due to the bad nature of our personal relationship. So care has been taken to avoid being near that agencies' representatives in any public gathering. This is all part of the learning when you are in a small society!

Media also includes converging old and new media (cliche I know). A TV interview I did two years ago was watched this year by a young man on youtube  who said he was glad there were people speaking out publicly on LGBT issues and he learned a lot.  



10.  Celebrating despite the failures

Somethings have changed, nothing has changed, the more things change, the more they remain the same. Yep.. I know.. you wonder if the time and effort expended in trying to change the world has been worth it and you could mourn the loss of the time which could have been spent on making money instead.  You wonder if finding reasons to celebrate any work (since the big picture has not changed much) is a way of thinking that your life had meaning, etc, etc.
The Gita is very clear that we should not be bound to our actions and worry about rewards. It has been interesting though, where in not looking for success, where the celebrations come. I celebrate the small things.. when individuals say that things have changed for them because of things I and others have done. That is nice. True,  big picture is ugly, and it is probably getting uglier.. I can be depressed and I can be addicted to any small signs that somebody agree with me and trying their best. But when somebody say that they not beating their child because they see a thing which people write, that well, is probably the success, even if the Ministry of Education like to beat children still.



11. Humour , self care
In addition to 'crazy', another compliment might be 'self-righteous' . Yep.. easy to get caught up in serious stuff, to be angry and to rage. Anger and rage consume the holder. The spirit is weary. The anger and rage, the shock at the behaviour of those who you thought believed the same that you did, the anxiety and fear that things might not turn out right.. they could take their toll . But I learned early enough not to take myself too seriously.. and humour works. I celebrate all the surreal experiences.. like my selling my soul for some cold delicious mauby from a woman who believe that if I pray hard enough, I can change who I am. Or when the bus conductor on the second run tells the bus man to play love music fuh dis big man hey.  Maybe if I took myself more seriously, I would not have failed to change the world.