the dark cloud on the sunny day..

Guy you know and who is cheerful tells you that he came home on Saturday night and swallowed sleeping pills and antihistamines. He not sure why. Another guy tells you he left the house after a few days. You think it is the moon.

Hot sun is out and it is nice to walk down the road. But there is something like a blanket or cloud there. Mind is focussed on walking and also doing errands.

Walk into supermarket and pick up the snickers bar. But there is one cashier and a line of people with full trolleys and you put it back. And laugh.

Your least favourite food is on the menu so you remember gratitude for food.
But the food you don't taste because that is how the cloud works, sometimes it numbs senses and then the mind has to work so you can feel and that is how you know the cloud is lifted.

Man on Lamaha Street sits on the curb staring at the nasty trench. One foot with a shoe on, one off. You know how he feels. Staring there.. feeling sun and probably don't want anybody

But I say morning sir and the man grumble back and I hope he know like how I know that there are connections to the humans around. I think of putting this on a facebook status so that I could get a lot of likes and people say how wonderful I am for saying morning to a mad man and getting a response.
 

And in the other supermarket you pick up the stupid cheese stix which dont give the same relief as before because the teeth not there to crunch them.

Woman you like is plagiarizing stuff  - you been defending her when people say she fake and she mimics and now you realise that people saying is true But you like her and dont want no harm to come so you spend some time figuring out how to fix things. And then you wonder if you should bother because no body else does

Phagwah day you feel the tension and the shoulders which are on the alert.. remembering not the cliche joy and happiness and fun of colours, but the quarrels  and the fake camaraderie which often ended up crap and the day when the drunk relative wanted to break down the door. So you alert for any word that the relative might have been drinking again and would come again and that you might have to get cutlass and react and use blood instead of abeer.


And then when the day is done, you kind of loosen shoulders and exhale.. but the shoulders don't really loosen because things could change any time.

Brilliant film at Castellani House and you are grateful. The film is called Silence, a man recording silence. There are moments of silence in the film but in the nice Guyana evening, the crickets making nuff noise. And so you realise that there is no perfect way of finding a way to deal with these clouds.. no perfect rest, no perfect exercise, no perfect diet, no perfect friendship, no perfect love, no perfect way of letting go of the loves of the past.

No perfect bed in no perfect cool dark room to give no perfect deep mindless sleep from which you can come out of and find that the sky is clear blue and no cloud over you.




Work continues.. man asks you what you doing in June and you cant see through the cloud to the next moment, much less  June. The question shocks you though because of the way things have gone, nothing has worked out as planned and many things have worked out as unplanned.

Looking for work is a challenge as all kinds of things come up. Things to write which cannot be written because the cloud hovers and allows you to work on some basic things or to get through some things to learn . it is taking long because as you learn and try to be creative you keep asking.. is it worth it?

There are stressors all round and the secret is to avoid them. Man tells you that he stays off of facebook from time to time, I like being there because in between the madness there are some nice things from nice people and you can kind of filter out the crap.

Youngster who chatting with you tells you that you inspirational because you telling him to be celibate even though he has no blasted intention to be. But he like the sound of it and thanks to the cloud, you can avoid feeling to puffed up with yourself and not be bound to the desire to be useful to people at least without having to be nice and cheerful and sociable.

You glad you not impotent even though you don't care if you are. And there is  strange kind of relief when you know you don't care. 

People ask you how you are and you just let them know.  People ask you to do things, to get to things.. and you say yes, so you know that you still sort of taking your hands and pushing the cloud aside even though it ain't going nowhere.

There is some chocolate around. Not a whole snickers bar, but enough. And the sada roti swells as it should.