Donald's Gift : An Xmas story
The blood flowed to his head in this headstand position. The mat was specially made and brought to PalaceHouse as a souvenir from one of the "Women's coconut groups'.
He had tripped over and fallen on it when he was looking for his copy of 'The Communist Manifesto' which had been thrown in a store room with the other books from the book shelf on the wall where they were putting the large screen television which was a gift from the Chinese Minister of Trade who had come visiting and noticed that he did not have a big television and had instructed one of their business people to arrange the gift.
His security assured him that the Television did not have any listening devices. He did not trust his security so he and his wife did as many other families did, watched television without saying a word to each other.
When he had landed on the mat in the dusty storeroom, he realised how springy it was and decided to use it for yoga on the rainy days when he could not go to the Park to walk because the lawns of PalaceHouse were flooded like the rest of the city.
He hated being in PalaceHouse. PalaceHouse was one of the old buildings in Garbagetown which had been kept for the Presidents. His predecessors had lived there. It was okay if you liked old buildings with lizards.
His own house was in a nice part of the country which rarely flooded and he and his wife had built up the yard. He thought he would have been allowed to stay in that house after the elections but No, it would look bad they said.
Donald became President after the Country Under Pressure (CUP) had put him up as the candidate most suitable to exude graciousness while not too bothered with leaving a legacy but continuing the legacy in true Communist fashion of his predecessor.
The other party, People Associated with Lively Marches (PALM) had a new leader . Donald liked the new leader because he was quiet and dignified and did not say anything which inspired cursing and so on.
The CUP still benefited from the legacy of Cinderpork, the founder leader of PALM who had done things like ban flour and dhal and had implemented Universal education and Universal Health which the CUP were now trying to depopularisesince they were proving too expensive to maintain .
His phone buzzed.
He relaxed and brought his feet down from the wall where he had rested them for the headstand. He felt good.
He checked his phone. His Facebook profile had been updated with a picture of a plate of bread and jalapenopot , the national Xmas dish.
He was hungry. His wife was on a no-gluten health thing so breakfast was usually provisions with vegetables. But it would not look good for him to show he was eating food which CInderpork had recommended. The bread thing was very emotional for citizens especially at Xmas time.
He had no control over what went on his Facebook profile . Donald had registered an anonymous fake profile so he could spy on himself to keep up with what he was supposed to be doing. Truth be told, he knew if he put the provisions and vegetables picture up, people would say that he doing like Cinderpork had done. He knew that the ability to eat bread and roti were freedoms which helped to motivate the CUP supporters.
His wife though was health conscious and insisted on the gluten free diet. Bless her heart, people were kind to him because of how nice she was.
He saw that his Chief of Staff, Cde Breakfast had called. He had left the Closet meeting early the day before.
The Closet was a special grouping outside of the Cabinet. Closet in Banana parlance also meant the pit latrine or place where expulsion of waste matter occurred. However, this Closet was very good at recycling waste and nurturing grand ideas. Like the idea of a luxury casino and the allocation of lands which no one knew about for economic development.
The Closet meetings were chaired by one of his comrades , who he had aliased on his Whatsup chat application as "Big Jackass" .
Cde Breakfast had called him soon after had created the entry in his phone and said, "Big Jackass is a perfect name for our hard working, enduring, steadfast Comrade Leader. Jackasses, like communists, have been stigmatized because they are working class, without any pretence of intellectual ability. In fact, Jackasses to me are symbols of the working class "
Donald did not bother to ask how Cde Breakfast knew what he was doing on his phone.
Donald was sometimes invited to the Closet meeting. Sometimes he tried to find excuses not to go. During the Xmas season he was glad that he had many Xmas parties and events to officiate at. He had attended yesterday's Closet.
The meeting had started after the usual grumbling. The Civil Service Union was threatening strikes and marches; there was a bumper rice and gold crop, but sugar was in short supply. The Civil Service Union had asked the Minister if she could live on 1,000 shells a day. There was no market for the rice, and gold prices were falling.
Sugar however, still had a demand.
The Minister for the Civil Service walked in late. Donald was a little scared of her.
She looked coolly at everybody and said "Yall tink de Union could mek me look stupid. I living pun de 1000 shells a day (US5) . I tek a minibus today but bus was hard to get dis marnin an I tek out de internet from meh phone fuh save lil money so yall doan sen me No emails. Is a good ting Breakfast pass me pun de road while I deh waiting fuh go home and tell me bout dis meeting"
She then rushed over to the sandwiches. She put some on a plate. She took out a plastic bowl from her hand bag and put in some more. Big Jackass looked at her in disgust. Donald had heard that Big Jackass was on a strict health diet without gluten so he could keep fit and healthy.
The first Agenda item concerned the whole strike threat.
The CUP was plagued by memories of the Civil Service Strike at the dawn of Independence.
Donald heard that PALM also remembered those days and longed for them but they were in a tight bind since a PALM strike would not work in their favour if nobody bothered to come out.
Cde Breakfast opened the discussion "Comrades, as you know, the anti-development, evil opposition elements have joined together in the form of the Union to destabilise the Government. You know they wanted to march and create fear. However, it seems their plans were thwarted because the CIA could not send money to them to fund the strike"
The Cabinet members were puzzled. Some were too young and barely remembered the flour and dhal bans, much less the CIA funded labour struggles of the 60s.
The nice eager to please Minister of People Development said "Congratulations Cde Breakfast, how did you stop the mighty CIA?"
Donald looked at her. Today, she looked like her nice picture in the newspapers. It must have been the nice Xmas spirit around.
Cde Breakfast continued : "Comrades, it seems that the money laundering bill delay is working in our favour. As some of you would remember, the opposition has stymied our progress and have caused us to be blacklisted."
Banana had recently attempted to get legislation passed to deal with the transfer of funds. Donald was not too sure himself of what it was all about.
Cde Breakfast continued "The CIA cannot transfer funds to any organisation in Banana without lengthy paperwork. The cost of doing the transfer is too much and will show up on their Administration budget. So Comrades, inter alia, at my press conference today, I will press forth that the opposition is further destroying democracy and continuing with its anti-working class efforts. By failing to agree to the legislation, they have caused the Union not to be able to sustain their democratic right to strike for as long as they want since they would need the CIA money".
Big Jackass said "We will therefore work on passing the bill quickly, and then when the bill is passed, we will declare the Union a terrorist organisation just as the CIA sends the money in and then we will show our International comrades that the CIA funds terrorism"
Donald looked around the table. There was an awkward silence as they were after these profound pronouncements.
Donald said "All in favour say aye".
Big Jackass looked at him in surprise. Donald forgot that this was not Cabinet. There were some silences and then everyone said 'aye"
Big Jackass said "What yall sehin' Aye for, Next.. "
There was a cough and a slow stammer in the corner. Donald tried to see who it was.
It was the Minister of Food , Cde Sugar. Cde Sugar said "I want to report that we have a bumper rice crop, but like nobody want to eat rice; and I do not know where I gun get more sugar to meet our markets , yall please tell me what to do because nobody replying to my Whatsup messages"
There was silence. Donald sighed. He knew this was coming and he had prepared a solution.
He inhaled deeply and said "Comrades, let us face it, the Americans are about to declare sugar an illegal drug. We cannot keep producing it" The Junior Minister of Money; a man of God said "Praises be - the Lord works in mysterious ways and I tell you brothers and sisters, this sugar crisis is a sign to us that we must diversify and do away with the evils of sugar. Sugar is evil, we should stop making it and turn to more lucrative products like er er er.. "
Before he could find words, his boss, the Next to Junior Minister of Money Dr Snig quickly jumped in and said "Om Shanti Shanti"
Donald jumped in "Is there anyways that we can mix the gold and rice and turn it into sugar"?
Some of the persons looked at him and then looked away. Donald felt sad that his ideas were not appreciated.
Big Jackass said "We are wasting time. Leave the sugar thing alone, it will fix itself What gifts are you sharing for Xmas?"
Donald cursed silently. Big Jackass never listened to him. Donald used to be glad to have his speeches written in advance. Recently he noticed that he was not being allowed to speak improptu. He was not invited any more to address any big gatherings. Recently , at a funeral where he spoke after Big Jackass, there was a power failure and they cut the mic out. This on a day when he had sore throat so he could not shout.
He felt his belly twinge. The high fibre provisions and vegetables breakfast was working well on him. He had to go to the toilet.
Donald heard someone ask "What would you like us to share out Comrade BJ?" as he got up. So as not to disturb the Closet, he whispered in Cde Breakfast ear "Gotta go now, will talk tomorrow"?
Donald came back to the present when his wife called "The food lef on de table. I goin' out in de garden"..
He dialled Cde Breakfast number. Cde Breakfast said "There was a stink smell as you were leaving so the meeting ended. Cde BJ asked us to promise to give of our time and to commit to the future of Banana in all of our speeches. The Comrades agreed whole heartedly. I have emailed you your Xmas message." He then hung up without waiting on an acknowledgement.
Donald sighed. He wanted to give the perfect gift. He thought of his own house. He thought of not having to go to Closet meetings. He thought of not having to read statements and speeches which he had not written. He thought of the plenty useless gold and bumper harvest of rice and the sugar which was not being made. He was happy for his life before the Presidency and longed to go back into opposition. He smiled. He knew how to fix this. Forget them he was giving this gift to himself.
They were not in control of all his speaking moments.
He took his phone and started to compose an email to the media.
"Dear friends of Banana, I Donald do hereby submit.... "
He felt happy again.
(This story is a work of fiction and any resemblance to persons living, dead or dying or wishing that they were living somewhere else is very very coincidental. In fact I would be horrified if any of this was related to anything in truth )
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