Chained by fear...

Wood slave on the computer screen completely ignoring me

The young man said that people could talk all they want in the fora and workshops, but there a lot of people are frightened to speak out and that is why so much stuff happens. I am supposed to teach them advocacy skills soon and I am afraid of the difficulty because they do not really want to be advocates and you cannot teach courage really.

The last few months, weeks, days I have been dealing with fear without dealing with it and as multiple layers of things start happening I realise that even with a big mouth and fingers quick to type.. so many things I am in fear of and I did not realise how much stress is brought about the anticipation of a frightening incident and the stress of also trying to say 'get that out of your mind.. no self-fulfilling prophecy'.

I fear that I will not be able to find work as I have not been able to develop 'marketable' skills due to unplanned circumstances.   I fear that I will take on work for work sake rather than work which will be fulfilling and interesting and erotic. I fear that in agonising about the work I take on, that the quality diminishes.

I fear the itching .. which has no real origins and which may or may not be linked to stress or allergies. I hope for a good night's sleep and my nerves are always alert for any signs of itching to come. I fear that I will not find the things to work.

I fear the loss of the crutches which help me through mental health.. the walking on the seawall tempered  by the wrecked knees, the sugar tempered by the rising fasting blood sugar levels, the inability to do yoga tempered by the lack of concentration and focus to do that. I fear that I will not sustain the healthy lifestyle changes which mid-forties demand . I fear this task of untangling the  of web of things to do and which have to be done and things which cannot be done .

I fear the confrontation.. not with enemies, but with the former loved ones who I yearn to reconcile with even as I also want to ensure space in mind. I fear looking in the eyes which look away; or into eyes have moved on. I fear that I will repeat the previous experiences . I fear not being able to let go of the 'I told you so feeling when I realised that the love was not going to be everlasting' .  I want to know the reasons why these eyes look away.  I fear that the disappointment and shame will get in the way of healing and moving on.
I am always on the alert.. for emails and phone calls and chance encounters -- welcoming a connection and a return to when things were good versus being on guard to protect against more disappointment and fear on all sides.

While I embrace singlehood , I fear how the Universe has a way of sometimes presenting fleeting moments of connections which make you remember what might have been .

I fear the woman who tells me that I am abusive even though I am not and she emails me now and then to ask things and I carefully construct each response , deleting sentences and words.

I fear violence.. based on experience of drunken and abusive behaviour of those who are close to me. I keep planning and thinking and wondering... will there be another episode even though there has not been any episode. how do I prepare.. how would I react this time? I fear not being able to react and I fear that being on guard is some kind of indication to the Universe that I want another episode of violence. 

I fear that in the daily tasks for survival that I will no longer plan or build things since planning and building takes time. I fear as I watch how I am dealing with some of the tasks I have taken on, that I am not being innovative.  I fear that I am not creating the space to think and abstract and learn new things.

I do not fear death. I fear chronic illness and disability or any condition which would not allow me to fulfil my obligations.

I do not fear the  impotence, though I fear what might be the underlying reasons for impotence and even as I push thinking of these away to the bottom of issues to be dealt with.

I fear the effect that not being able to confront all these fears would have one me now.. as I contemplate age and ability.  Even as I know that spiritually fear is absolved by relinquishing to the Universe and I have managed to challenge myself with new things and to not fear scrutiny.. I have let go of the fear of speaking out though there are still things left to speak about.

I fear the inhibiting elements of fear which lock me into the known and prevent me from exploring the unknown.

I do not know if being older means letting go of fears.. or of replacing childhood fears and anxieties with new ones.  Wellness.. must mean dealing with these fears..
What do you fear?

Comments

  1. AnonymousAugust 21, 2013 at 8:55 PM

    Is your fear preventing you from takings risks? Risk can be a resource.

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousAugust 22, 2013 at 11:22 AM

    Very deep indeed and well written.

    Fear is all in the mind and can be controlled. Fear is an emotional response to an actual threat, and it’s a fundamental survival mechanism that’s served us well throughout human history. When you’re in immediate danger, fear tells you to get yourself to someplace safer.

    You need to stop worrying about society and all those organizations your are part of and get back to the the things you really enjoy. You need to start releasing endorphins and testosterone, this can be done through intense exercise. Try hiking if you can't run, try riding a bicycle, trying doing something that makes you happy. Concentrate on yourself and forget about all the other stuff.

    Move to another country which will give you a different environment and new challenges and goals. Start thinking positive thoughts.

    Change your diet to a plant based raw and green vegetables and fruits, try juicing these fruits and vegetables, they would most likely help to clear up the itching. Plants have tremendous healing capacity since blood plasma has the same chemical properties as chlorophyll found in green plants and vegetables. This helps to detoxify the blood and liver and helps to clear up the skin. Drink lots of water and stay away from sugary stuff.

    Stop stressing out about writing on this blog since it does not earn you a single cent in revenue.

    Remember people are generally takers and not givers, you have donated enough of your time helping others. START HELPING YOURSELF!!!

    Start living life and stay positive, make new friends, and remember you and your health comes first.

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousAugust 23, 2013 at 3:07 PM

    Regarding the itching - you might have a fungal infection. Fungal infections or yeast, like sugar hence your craving for sweets. Do you notice lata on your skin? That is a fungus.

    You might have a depressed immune system?

    Not trying to scare you, but you should go get an HIV test.

    ReplyDelete

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