Running when I shouldn't..

Standing at the UG end of the seawall and looking West ... and remembering what it used to feel like running down to Kitty. Two miles. The pes cavus makes brisk walking tricky now and the knees and joints are weakened.. but there is the salt air and the breeze and the hot setting sun dazzling the eyes.

So I start to run slowly, to hell with the knees. A youngster passes me and I remember when I used to run past others.

 It took me great effort to come out here. It has been a while since the clouds have come into my consciousness , but the clouds are there and slowed me down.

It was rough today.. it was supposed to be an intense work day with many things to do.. but..  . But there were many things being ignored and many triggers.. email from a woman who scares me and who I have to be careful what I say in reply; message from a man about a thing from the past which I thought I done with.. and gradually between the fog and the things.. I was immobilized.

The blasted bourbon creams are in the house.. they are crunchy and sweet and they give a rush. I also been enjoying condensed milk in the coffee as a kind of medicine..




and someone had given the children dairy milk with roast almonds but they do not like that kind of chocolate so I have been eating it.


Sugar though should be  forbidden now because the pre-diabetic levels are rising. Sugar, like running should not be done. Both used to help so new things have to be  found to keep moving when the mind and spirit do not feel like moving.

So I start pacing in my mind while immobilised in the heat. Every attempt at work results in incomplete tasks.  I feel like a cage.. thinking should I read, should I work, which task , i start several things, move from one thing to another and despair as nothing seems to work. I try to take a nap and get up and that does not help either.

Memories come back.. all the usual things which float around at this time.. which surface.. I ask myself, what does healing really look like?

Still the mind is supposed to do the trick.. meditation.

I take a bourbon cream instead. And another one. And the chocolate.

These rushes are fleeting, the thing about eating, like so many pleasures..feels good for the time,  but the sugar and the fat and so on is left in the body.

430pm. I give up on the work and I get up and think about going on the seawall.  It is slow. and I lie on the bed and wish I could sleep but.. I get up.

I remember when I used to run the two miles and when I stopped running and started walking then stopped walking all together. Persons older than me are running the full distance so I know this is not about age only.

Yoga is good.. but yoga on the seawall does not work out for me since the moving sky and sea tend to make me lose my balance.. and the logistics are too much with mat etc. but some of the postures are okay

So I run a bit.. it feels good, sweat starts flowing.. mind is still swirling remembering all the times when the running used to help and the tens of walks on the same strip trying to erase memories and forget the past and plan the future. Then though, sugar was not on my mind.. I stop quarter way and feel how I used to feel when I completed the whole run. Then the legs and knees never bothered me.. but now the jolts are all up the back and neck and even the teeth.. but to hell with all that.

The breeze is good and the sun sets .. and the day is done. I mourn the loss of a day without work.. but the fog has lifted a bit.

I come home, shower in the water warmed from the heat of the day and eat dinner and do not take any more bourbon creams or dairy milk chocolate with roast almonds or condensed milk.