Swimming in the mud
I can't swim. Much less swim in mud. It has been like that though, the last few weeks. The feelings of heaviness and also the subconscious which is also struggling with the feelings of heaviness.
It has been intense. And important decisions have been made and followed through.. creating necessary changes. Perhaps the heaviness is reacting to those changes.
The resignation from SASOD.. or the divorce or the loss of dreams. The failure to make peace after a dream which seemed to tell me that I should make peace. Guilt that I have not done the work I should have been doing... and guilt that I have to say no now to some work as I try to recover.
Somewhere though, there is perhaps, another part of the mind which is survival. I wonder if the 'mad' people who know how to cross the road, and how to look for food, if they also have that part of their mind which helps with survival? The craving for a cool dark room to lie in forever.. is not met due to the heat and blazing light. The survival which says.. go.. finish your tasks,.. go on the seawall.. go .. do the yoga.
The heaviness is always there.. but there is a feeling that it will go sometime. So plans are made. This part of the mind laughs at how requests keep coming in for various things. There is no guilt at telling people not now, maybe later. Survival which says.. hold off on the emails and the letters. Take your time.. some sentences would not be coherent since typing and talking is clouded by self doubt at times like this.
With the heaviness.. there are some ideas blossoming. I want to do something more about mental health in Guyana and woman laughs at me and says that my psychosis that has me always wanting to do something. So I hold off a bit.. on that. There are other projects in the mind to think about.. but have to carefully manage those because the feelings of failure which could come from not achieving those . There are letters to write.. but I hold off on those because at times like this, the sentences lose coherence.
The disappointments at the relationships - personal and work - which have ended badly are always there, and even though there is no choice but to 'move on'.. there is still hope and desire that there could some ending and closure. The Universe is sometimes ironic.. as another person says 'I am your friend and I intend to be your friend forever'.. I feel the pangs at the memories of the others who had said that and who are out of my life. Spiritually, we are told.. offer all our actions to the Lord. I believe that.. dharma is like that.. but now, given how things have ended with some people.. I keep asking.. did I do the right thing? And now.. every thing is being taken carefully.. fear is there.. make sure you are doing the right thing.
Walking on the seawall is the right thing. Writing about these feelings is the right thing. Keeping some distance from people now is the right thing. Planning for when this will pass is the right thing.
It has been intense. And important decisions have been made and followed through.. creating necessary changes. Perhaps the heaviness is reacting to those changes.
The resignation from SASOD.. or the divorce or the loss of dreams. The failure to make peace after a dream which seemed to tell me that I should make peace. Guilt that I have not done the work I should have been doing... and guilt that I have to say no now to some work as I try to recover.
Somewhere though, there is perhaps, another part of the mind which is survival. I wonder if the 'mad' people who know how to cross the road, and how to look for food, if they also have that part of their mind which helps with survival? The craving for a cool dark room to lie in forever.. is not met due to the heat and blazing light. The survival which says.. go.. finish your tasks,.. go on the seawall.. go .. do the yoga.
The heaviness is always there.. but there is a feeling that it will go sometime. So plans are made. This part of the mind laughs at how requests keep coming in for various things. There is no guilt at telling people not now, maybe later. Survival which says.. hold off on the emails and the letters. Take your time.. some sentences would not be coherent since typing and talking is clouded by self doubt at times like this.
With the heaviness.. there are some ideas blossoming. I want to do something more about mental health in Guyana and woman laughs at me and says that my psychosis that has me always wanting to do something. So I hold off a bit.. on that. There are other projects in the mind to think about.. but have to carefully manage those because the feelings of failure which could come from not achieving those . There are letters to write.. but I hold off on those because at times like this, the sentences lose coherence.
The disappointments at the relationships - personal and work - which have ended badly are always there, and even though there is no choice but to 'move on'.. there is still hope and desire that there could some ending and closure. The Universe is sometimes ironic.. as another person says 'I am your friend and I intend to be your friend forever'.. I feel the pangs at the memories of the others who had said that and who are out of my life. Spiritually, we are told.. offer all our actions to the Lord. I believe that.. dharma is like that.. but now, given how things have ended with some people.. I keep asking.. did I do the right thing? And now.. every thing is being taken carefully.. fear is there.. make sure you are doing the right thing.
Walking on the seawall is the right thing. Writing about these feelings is the right thing. Keeping some distance from people now is the right thing. Planning for when this will pass is the right thing.
Comments
Post a Comment