Searching for the TIN certificate
The woman insisted.. they needed my TIN certificate for the address verification. I bore up. I had made some effort to come down. The last few days, I have been doing tasks one at a time. Simple things take hours to do and I try to do simple tasks so that I could feel a sense of achievement.
But - not this task.
I walked out of the bank and come out in the Sun again. The sun is good. In my head, I know where the TIN certificate is. The bright sun and the heat.. feel good. The part which wants the cool dark place is not being satisfied. The bright heat counters that.
I come home. I cannot find the TIN certificate.
I hold up. Not now. Wait and look for it.
I start looking for it. Everywhere. I keep calm.. I do not become frustrated. Simple tasks are taking longer.
I start packing up, thinking of the papers to throw out. The good thing about having this kind of temporary shared space.. is that I have to keep throwing things out to make space for new things.
I am trying to make life like that.
Doing things
The last few days have shown that now is not a good time to make plans. Things seem not to work out the way I hope they would. I get another blow as a family issue comes to light and the dreams of the things I wanted to do have to be erased. There is a great unknown.. of survival, of being able to help and keep things secure and safe.
Not being afraid
A man in the Ramayana Gole told me he read my letter and he asks me to be careful. He is a PPP supporter, back in the day. I held the Ramayana and said afraid of what.. and thinking of the black lesbian warrior poet ..
This sounds good, though I have to be careful. Recklessness is not a good feeling now... especially if you are battling with yourself.
Masking and Unmasking
So.. you get up even when you want to lie down. You try not to eat too much sweet when you cry for it. You try to move on, to do things one at a time. You do not plan tasks because they will not be done and you will feel a failure for not doing the simplest things. So I do things as I feel like doing them.
I used to be able to mask things - though now I don't bother too much. One or two people have thrown a let's catch up .. but I am not going to , not now. An internet pal contacted me after 10 years.. and the first news after my response was about 'oh.. sad news from you'.. and I think, heck.. nah.. hold on a bit, now is not the time to write to friends, or to meet them. Other things I am trying to close off.. the resignation from SASOD, the archiving of work documents; the friendships which have ended.
Peach blancmange and icecream
A friend told me about peach blancmange and icecream and it helped.. that is what helps.. I know I should go and walk on the seawall.. it takes energy to sometimes go out.. sometimes the struggle is there to go. I have not been this week.
A man told me that 'problems make you stronger'. I do not want to be stronger really, I just want to get on with the things which I do well. I get some feedback on some things, some interactions which are useful .. and I feel good, that I can be useful still even though it is a bit more difficult. A one hour moving conversation with a woman who says she is neither male nor female - a transsexual who has not removed her penis - allows me to confront my own transphobia.
Searching for the TIN certificate
So.. in the search for the TIN certificate.. I start packing up, finding things which need to be reorganised. It is taking longer to do... I keep searching the same places for where I think the TIN certificate is.. perhaps some metaphor for my life.. where I might be searching the same place for solutions to the problems I face. I start opening dusty desk drawers and emptying them out.. amazing how much junk is stored in a small place - which does not need to be there - probably like our minds.
I am reading things about love and spirituality and so on. Normally, I learn from mistakes and am glad to solve problems to challenge myself.
The mistakes getting too much though, they seem bigger and they not coming one at a time - they coming all at once. I am conscious that I have to not feel overwhelmed.. and to fight the feeling that as soon as I think one thing is fixed, that another thing comes up. The energy in fixing things takes away from the work .. so it is difficult to focus on work which has to be done. There are these layers of self.. one layer which is tired, which is craving the cool dark place so as not to move - to kind of give up; the other layer which is functioning at a minimum which does small tasks and resists the temptations of food and sweet and which tries not to give up; and the other layer which is trying to plan small things, to put things on hold for a bit until this passes.
But - not this task.
I walked out of the bank and come out in the Sun again. The sun is good. In my head, I know where the TIN certificate is. The bright sun and the heat.. feel good. The part which wants the cool dark place is not being satisfied. The bright heat counters that.
I come home. I cannot find the TIN certificate.
I hold up. Not now. Wait and look for it.
I start looking for it. Everywhere. I keep calm.. I do not become frustrated. Simple tasks are taking longer.
I start packing up, thinking of the papers to throw out. The good thing about having this kind of temporary shared space.. is that I have to keep throwing things out to make space for new things.
I am trying to make life like that.
Doing things
The last few days have shown that now is not a good time to make plans. Things seem not to work out the way I hope they would. I get another blow as a family issue comes to light and the dreams of the things I wanted to do have to be erased. There is a great unknown.. of survival, of being able to help and keep things secure and safe.
Not being afraid
A man in the Ramayana Gole told me he read my letter and he asks me to be careful. He is a PPP supporter, back in the day. I held the Ramayana and said afraid of what.. and thinking of the black lesbian warrior poet ..
This sounds good, though I have to be careful. Recklessness is not a good feeling now... especially if you are battling with yourself.
Masking and Unmasking
So.. you get up even when you want to lie down. You try not to eat too much sweet when you cry for it. You try to move on, to do things one at a time. You do not plan tasks because they will not be done and you will feel a failure for not doing the simplest things. So I do things as I feel like doing them.
I used to be able to mask things - though now I don't bother too much. One or two people have thrown a let's catch up .. but I am not going to , not now. An internet pal contacted me after 10 years.. and the first news after my response was about 'oh.. sad news from you'.. and I think, heck.. nah.. hold on a bit, now is not the time to write to friends, or to meet them. Other things I am trying to close off.. the resignation from SASOD, the archiving of work documents; the friendships which have ended.
Peach blancmange and icecream
A friend told me about peach blancmange and icecream and it helped.. that is what helps.. I know I should go and walk on the seawall.. it takes energy to sometimes go out.. sometimes the struggle is there to go. I have not been this week.
A man told me that 'problems make you stronger'. I do not want to be stronger really, I just want to get on with the things which I do well. I get some feedback on some things, some interactions which are useful .. and I feel good, that I can be useful still even though it is a bit more difficult. A one hour moving conversation with a woman who says she is neither male nor female - a transsexual who has not removed her penis - allows me to confront my own transphobia.
Searching for the TIN certificate
So.. in the search for the TIN certificate.. I start packing up, finding things which need to be reorganised. It is taking longer to do... I keep searching the same places for where I think the TIN certificate is.. perhaps some metaphor for my life.. where I might be searching the same place for solutions to the problems I face. I start opening dusty desk drawers and emptying them out.. amazing how much junk is stored in a small place - which does not need to be there - probably like our minds.
I am reading things about love and spirituality and so on. Normally, I learn from mistakes and am glad to solve problems to challenge myself.
The mistakes getting too much though, they seem bigger and they not coming one at a time - they coming all at once. I am conscious that I have to not feel overwhelmed.. and to fight the feeling that as soon as I think one thing is fixed, that another thing comes up. The energy in fixing things takes away from the work .. so it is difficult to focus on work which has to be done. There are these layers of self.. one layer which is tired, which is craving the cool dark place so as not to move - to kind of give up; the other layer which is functioning at a minimum which does small tasks and resists the temptations of food and sweet and which tries not to give up; and the other layer which is trying to plan small things, to put things on hold for a bit until this passes.
Dunno where my TIN cert is either but I put the number on my phone...
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