Guilt, depression, fear, detachment and pampers...
The taxi driver told me that he wished that he could look after his parents - they still send money for him from Canada. He quoted one of the Bible verses about honouring mother and father.
A man told me I would get blessings , another relative told me it is a good thing that I do not have a family of my own. Two friends tell me to take a break, make arrangements.
My generation of middle class Hindu boys learned mantras, mathematics, science, to talk nicely, take our drinks. We were told to respect and be obedient to our parents. Some of us were, some were not. They never told us though.. about when the time would come to shift the role, to become the parent of the parents.
Guilt
So.. life changes drastically. Great uncertainty.. the people who gave you life and the mother who had labour pains and cared for you.. need you now to care for them. You are not ready though.. and you want them to be well. You have been arguing with your mother to go to the doctor, but it is not a child who you take to the doctor. So as things change, guilt is there at the resentment building up because roles are changing and you not ready.. especially as the family dysfunctions surface.
Guilt stupidly.. because you do not tell the friends you know, for whom either parent have died.. that you are caring for the parents.. bTheir pain at the loss of the parent.. they want you to cherish yours.. and so more guilt.. you still have your parents.. they do not have theirs. Guilt that knowing you better off than some other people, who have less resources and are dealing with more intense situations.
Depression
The powerlessness at not being able to cure the pain or ease the discomfort. The fatigue of not being able to sleep.. of trying to be alert while also trying to manage your life. All the other issues take their toll.. worries about finances.. about how much time to manage the work, about trying to keep jobs about ; about future medical care ;; about my own aging.. and health and the things which need fixing but cannot be fixed as yet.. as the little energy is focussed on ensuring a healing environment.. Shame every time you quarrel with the sick parent.. And then trying to find ways of not burdening other people, because there are no ways of fixing the situation really..
Fear
Being afraid.. that the pain and discomfort might get worse, that you would not be in a physical or financial position to offer comfort and care. Fear that you might die before them and that they cannot get the care they deserve. Fear that medication will not be easily available. Fear that family dysfunctions would reverse the progress being made..
Detachment
At some point.. realising that... the best way to care,, is not about love. Love brings all kind of distractions (or hate.. or apathy depending on the relationship with the parent). Detachment is important so that things can be done efficiently.. so that you accept what is inevitable and not worry about the future. that the here and now.. do this, do that, bring this, bring that.. not worry about what they were like in the past.. or how the roles have shifted... Detachment is about not wishing for blessings; or thinking about the labour pains which brought you into the world;.. it is about being human and being able in a position to try to do the best you can
Pampers..
Learning about pampers and thanking God for Underwear Pullups Extra Large at $3,000 a pack. Starting to find ways of changing routine, of planning. Of catching a nap when the sick are sleeping. Of sleeping with one eye. Of finding ways of exercising. Of resisting the urge to indulge in sweet. Of planning menus in your head.. Of being reassuring.. of not making the parent feeling ashamed at their loss of control.. of trying to return control to the parent when necessary so that they do not become frustrated or depressed at the shift in roles. And also.. of not indulging in the sweet, the sugar.. of being careful.. of taking note so that you do not also become ill, or that you manage any physical or mental illness carefully so that you do not become unable to do the caring duties.
A man told me I would get blessings , another relative told me it is a good thing that I do not have a family of my own. Two friends tell me to take a break, make arrangements.
My generation of middle class Hindu boys learned mantras, mathematics, science, to talk nicely, take our drinks. We were told to respect and be obedient to our parents. Some of us were, some were not. They never told us though.. about when the time would come to shift the role, to become the parent of the parents.
Guilt
So.. life changes drastically. Great uncertainty.. the people who gave you life and the mother who had labour pains and cared for you.. need you now to care for them. You are not ready though.. and you want them to be well. You have been arguing with your mother to go to the doctor, but it is not a child who you take to the doctor. So as things change, guilt is there at the resentment building up because roles are changing and you not ready.. especially as the family dysfunctions surface.
Guilt stupidly.. because you do not tell the friends you know, for whom either parent have died.. that you are caring for the parents.. bTheir pain at the loss of the parent.. they want you to cherish yours.. and so more guilt.. you still have your parents.. they do not have theirs. Guilt that knowing you better off than some other people, who have less resources and are dealing with more intense situations.
Depression
The powerlessness at not being able to cure the pain or ease the discomfort. The fatigue of not being able to sleep.. of trying to be alert while also trying to manage your life. All the other issues take their toll.. worries about finances.. about how much time to manage the work, about trying to keep jobs about ; about future medical care ;; about my own aging.. and health and the things which need fixing but cannot be fixed as yet.. as the little energy is focussed on ensuring a healing environment.. Shame every time you quarrel with the sick parent.. And then trying to find ways of not burdening other people, because there are no ways of fixing the situation really..
Fear
Being afraid.. that the pain and discomfort might get worse, that you would not be in a physical or financial position to offer comfort and care. Fear that you might die before them and that they cannot get the care they deserve. Fear that medication will not be easily available. Fear that family dysfunctions would reverse the progress being made..
Detachment
At some point.. realising that... the best way to care,, is not about love. Love brings all kind of distractions (or hate.. or apathy depending on the relationship with the parent). Detachment is important so that things can be done efficiently.. so that you accept what is inevitable and not worry about the future. that the here and now.. do this, do that, bring this, bring that.. not worry about what they were like in the past.. or how the roles have shifted... Detachment is about not wishing for blessings; or thinking about the labour pains which brought you into the world;.. it is about being human and being able in a position to try to do the best you can
Pampers..
Learning about pampers and thanking God for Underwear Pullups Extra Large at $3,000 a pack. Starting to find ways of changing routine, of planning. Of catching a nap when the sick are sleeping. Of sleeping with one eye. Of finding ways of exercising. Of resisting the urge to indulge in sweet. Of planning menus in your head.. Of being reassuring.. of not making the parent feeling ashamed at their loss of control.. of trying to return control to the parent when necessary so that they do not become frustrated or depressed at the shift in roles. And also.. of not indulging in the sweet, the sugar.. of being careful.. of taking note so that you do not also become ill, or that you manage any physical or mental illness carefully so that you do not become unable to do the caring duties.
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