Surviving wanting to die and the moonlight
545am
cell phone alarm rings and you dont feel like getting up. there are chores to be done laundry and the three rounds of exercise.. thoughts are all over, and i feel more tired than when i went to bed. Dreams which have to be undreamt and then new ones to form but no energy to deal with those. Relationships which no longer nurture and sustain but drain instead and which cannot be broken due to commitments. Other relationships which have been severed and which had a lot of investment.. failure.
600am
Church bell is ringing and i feel like i cannot move. i remember this time last year and other years and other things and thinking of the future and the day and the things which failed and wish that I was dead. that i did not have to wake up. Sun is coming up. It is getting later and stirring in the house. I cannot make the three rounds of surya namaskar today .. have to get up.
645am
I get up.. sun is in.. and i hear stirrings in the house. I want to lie down back and just lie down and not get up. Many things are happening.. thoughts are flying. I start the surya namaskar.. and the body is stretching.. breathing.. but it is like.. secondary to what is going on in my head. I get through and feel good that i finish.
715am
I go eat.. decide to make sandwich with toast,egg lettuce, and so on; and the coffee in the big mug. Treating myself I say.. today is going to be another day of fighting the urge to lie down and sleep a long time. Wanting darkness or unconsciousness. Put clothes in the washing machine.
800am
Get ready to work and sit down.. cannot face the things to do but start reading links on Facebook. Say prayers.. and one friend has sent a link to a buddhist chant. I call to start one meeting and then sort out things. I have to back off of some decisions because I cannot handle them. I say.. today.. i will do another yoga round at 11am and I will also try to take a walk on the seawall. Everything else.. just feels like swimming in a swamp.
Low energy things, the blog posts, correcting things.. the big jobs are left..again.. reading things.. different things . People email , I respond, give advice do what is needed. Function.
1130am
I start the yoga routine.. but it is taking long.. my mind is not on it.. i manage though.. the stretches. Somebody had sent a link about how yoga could be bad for you. The body feels stiff.. legs feel heavy but i get through. Enjoy lunch.. slowly and then go to pick up the five year old.
The sunshine feels good.. i am in two modes at the same time.. gaffing with the five year old while feeling bad about the things which are not done.
2pm
After one hour of trying to do work.. some conversations, composing and erasing things.. i give up.. go lie down.. no privacy in the house.. cannot sleep, doze off.. the five year old is determined that once i am not asleep I have to get up to play. 3pm - is time to get up so there is great glee as I get pulled and tugged so we could go get his sister. Sunshine is good again.
315pm
Conversation started with a man who says he is a 'secret gay'.. he looking for love and hope that SASOD could help him find it.. i manage to have a conversation.. Function. He feels good.. i have delivered.. accomplished something.
430pm
seawall.. nice sun.. breeze.. cooling down.. i start shuffling though.. dont feel like moving though I am moving.. one or two mad people are out there.. and i understand why some move the way they do.. i see people.. say hi, chat, hug, shake hands.. what ever.. the universe is good.. all kinds of connections.. and i respond.. in this kind of two phase way.. one conversation especially about IT.. in my hope that as soon as this lifts.. that i will resume not wanting to die and getting on with living.. there are things to do.
Moon is out. sea is flat.. i think the moon and me do not work together..still wonder whether the moon phases and my moods are linked maybe.. i wish i had a camera but then i would not have the skill..
7pm.
Come home.. shower, eat.. start thinking of how to get through the weekend. Say yes to some more training and other things..
Some things will be done.. I will be okay.. other things.. I cannot do.
By doing I am living. Meanwhile.. have to plan for a good nights sleep.. to wake up and resume the exercise routine and get the work done which has not been done. Thinking about all of this though.. is tiring. I will make it somehow.
cell phone alarm rings and you dont feel like getting up. there are chores to be done laundry and the three rounds of exercise.. thoughts are all over, and i feel more tired than when i went to bed. Dreams which have to be undreamt and then new ones to form but no energy to deal with those. Relationships which no longer nurture and sustain but drain instead and which cannot be broken due to commitments. Other relationships which have been severed and which had a lot of investment.. failure.
600am
Church bell is ringing and i feel like i cannot move. i remember this time last year and other years and other things and thinking of the future and the day and the things which failed and wish that I was dead. that i did not have to wake up. Sun is coming up. It is getting later and stirring in the house. I cannot make the three rounds of surya namaskar today .. have to get up.
645am
I get up.. sun is in.. and i hear stirrings in the house. I want to lie down back and just lie down and not get up. Many things are happening.. thoughts are flying. I start the surya namaskar.. and the body is stretching.. breathing.. but it is like.. secondary to what is going on in my head. I get through and feel good that i finish.
715am
I go eat.. decide to make sandwich with toast,egg lettuce, and so on; and the coffee in the big mug. Treating myself I say.. today is going to be another day of fighting the urge to lie down and sleep a long time. Wanting darkness or unconsciousness. Put clothes in the washing machine.
800am
Get ready to work and sit down.. cannot face the things to do but start reading links on Facebook. Say prayers.. and one friend has sent a link to a buddhist chant. I call to start one meeting and then sort out things. I have to back off of some decisions because I cannot handle them. I say.. today.. i will do another yoga round at 11am and I will also try to take a walk on the seawall. Everything else.. just feels like swimming in a swamp.
Low energy things, the blog posts, correcting things.. the big jobs are left..again.. reading things.. different things . People email , I respond, give advice do what is needed. Function.
1130am
I start the yoga routine.. but it is taking long.. my mind is not on it.. i manage though.. the stretches. Somebody had sent a link about how yoga could be bad for you. The body feels stiff.. legs feel heavy but i get through. Enjoy lunch.. slowly and then go to pick up the five year old.
The sunshine feels good.. i am in two modes at the same time.. gaffing with the five year old while feeling bad about the things which are not done.
2pm
After one hour of trying to do work.. some conversations, composing and erasing things.. i give up.. go lie down.. no privacy in the house.. cannot sleep, doze off.. the five year old is determined that once i am not asleep I have to get up to play. 3pm - is time to get up so there is great glee as I get pulled and tugged so we could go get his sister. Sunshine is good again.
315pm
Conversation started with a man who says he is a 'secret gay'.. he looking for love and hope that SASOD could help him find it.. i manage to have a conversation.. Function. He feels good.. i have delivered.. accomplished something.
430pm
seawall.. nice sun.. breeze.. cooling down.. i start shuffling though.. dont feel like moving though I am moving.. one or two mad people are out there.. and i understand why some move the way they do.. i see people.. say hi, chat, hug, shake hands.. what ever.. the universe is good.. all kinds of connections.. and i respond.. in this kind of two phase way.. one conversation especially about IT.. in my hope that as soon as this lifts.. that i will resume not wanting to die and getting on with living.. there are things to do.
Moon is out. sea is flat.. i think the moon and me do not work together..still wonder whether the moon phases and my moods are linked maybe.. i wish i had a camera but then i would not have the skill..
7pm.
Come home.. shower, eat.. start thinking of how to get through the weekend. Say yes to some more training and other things..
Some things will be done.. I will be okay.. other things.. I cannot do.
By doing I am living. Meanwhile.. have to plan for a good nights sleep.. to wake up and resume the exercise routine and get the work done which has not been done. Thinking about all of this though.. is tiring. I will make it somehow.
Despair of all that is superficial and mundane...
ReplyDelete-wish I could help, old friend, but I have to agree with you....
Where is the meaning in it all... ?
Unique and vivid article, indeed.
Expression is perhaps the most therapeutic endeavor for the time....
Blog on .... ;-)
Depression, writ large
ReplyDeleteI've been meaning to read this...so i took a journey through Vidya's mind and came out ok. Love it! Such great writing! The 3 year-old sounds like fun :)
ReplyDelete