The family spinster

Many families have a spinster - and the spinster plays an important role in preserving those traditional family values and structures.

The spinster learns from a young age that they are responsible for holding the family together. When in times of anger and quarrels and in the aftermath.. the child spinster tries to be peacemaker and to ensure that everyone is okay. The child spinster learns early how the warning signs of conflict and keeps listening out. Always on the alert. The child might try to escape some of the times by daydreaming and fantasising about a time when they could live alone without any problems. The child spinster also vows not to get married since it seems to be such a stressful thing. People outside the family say the child spinster is a good child.

The child spinster grows into the adult spinster. However, the child spinster feels obligated. The adult spinster learns religion and that children should do for their parents and family. As the parents get older, the needs get greater but the tensions do not lessen. Instead of moving away, the adult spinster assumes more roles in preserving the family. The sibling(s) as they get older might get families of their own and the spinster now feels obligated to the next generation. The next generation repeats the dysfunction and now the adult spinster has to try to keep the children happy .. to ensure that they are shielded from the misery.  The adult spinster now tries to avoid and anticipate tensions. The adult spinster also tries to keep watch on the signs of ill health, to prevent health crises. However, the adult spinster might not always be successful in preventing those. During these crises, in addition to trying to sort out the health situation, the adult spinster has to be responding to the needs of relatives who want to be kept updated and want to know every details because they cannot be here..

Male spinsters are often asked 'why don't you get a wife' to help with the spinster duties. Female spinsters are not so lucky - they stick to the script- some do not get married because they will not be able to look after their families.
Guilt, religious duty, fear of being cursed by  opting out and leaving the family alone all help to keep the spinster in line. The male and female spinster are often blessed by relatives abroad who are happy that they do not have to get involved in care giving.

Family times, the spinster has to keep level, to make sure that there are no stresses.. to shut up when the elderly parents are over extending themselves for Christmas for example. Male spinsters might try to apply some pragmatic solutions - don't worry with the blasted cake, dont worry with the damn blinds or cooking.. but then the male spinster like the female spinster will be guilted out.. 'this is what makes me happy'' why don't you allow me to be happy - I am not asking you to do anything' . The spinster who tries to organise things efficiently might be doomed since different people have different needs which are not expressed until they miss out something.

The adult spinster might try to rebel.. but that rebellion does not last long. The adult spinster stops making plans, since family demands could cause a change in plan. Some spinsters also have to earn an income to help out.. and then get into problems when trying to suggest budgetary issues. Other spinsters just shut up and go with the flow.

The adult spinster gradually learns to survive in the family . There are fewer thoughts of escape. The adult spinster becomes religious and accepts that duty to others is a good thing. Whenever thoughts of escape arise, the adult spinster prays instead. The adult spinster has to guard against becoming bitter. The adult spinster learns to celebrate the small things like when a family event passes without anyone quarrelling or any tensions rising. The adult spinster has to be careful about not wanting to trip out as well, and to avoid being the subject of pity.