Apricot face scrub, peppermint oil, sweet

Face scrub
My mother had some face scrub thing which she was not using , so I started using it once a week. It left my face feeling nice after using it. I went out and bought another one.. I dont think I need to scrub my face.. but it feels nice to rub up and scrub up behind the ears and the neck and so on.. and wash out. I could imagine on elbows, knees, foot bottom, well anywhere. I could imagine that my skin is being damaged but it feel nice. Yeah.. metrosexual me.

Peppermint oil

The energy is often not there to breathe, and the wild thoughts are there and cannot slow down. So I keep dabbing pepper mint oil on my neck to smell it.. as though to help breathing. In the night, I think the pepper mint oil though gives me bad dreams.. or the dreams are from the images which I cannot suppress.

Wanting to sleep for a long time , unconscious
A man called at 7am - he want to make films and he asked if I am not up as yet.. Hindus get up before the sun. I have been awake.. fighting the urge to just lie there .. wanting the sensation of the cool dark room .. looking for a blank mind. My body aches as though I been fighting and I feel tired more than when I went to sleep .. the sun and a full bladder means that I get up and try to move.. do the surya namaskar.. to stretch out. I want to crawl back in bed but the sun is there on the bed.. so i go eat.

Sweet, chocolate, cake, food, stomach

I am fighting the urge to indulge in the sweet, and then fighting the guilt that comes with knowing that the sweet is not good as I feel like I am dizzy. I hear people cut themselves to feel sensation.. whether pain.. and I am eating sweet, and smelling mint, and using nenwa.. to sort of feel so that I could know that I exist. The stomach feels funny sometimes.. I am overdoing it.. but only for now. I am not testing my sugar either .. not yet.. let this time pass.

People
I am avoiding people, while seeking a voyeur kind of solitude on Facebook and in crowds... I am meeting people who can nurture and who have no pressure and who are not shrill. Some people's voices are shrill.. too loud.. and some I can filter out and some I cannot. Family dysfunctions emerge and I confront the loss of dreams that I had to manage the dysfunction. 
The Universe is good though.. while getting up and moving out.. people, some strangers are connecting. I am functioning .. things get done, some things are not getting done.. I am moving slowly.. but moving.

Love, lust
I keep thinking of those who used to hold me close, tell me everything.. who have now pushed me away.. today is the 10th anniversary of the first restraining order I received.. "please do not contact me again because you have betrayed me" .. the price of revealing myself to people has been the loss of the myths and mystery and the death of love and like and lust ..  Thinking of those who I had asked.. are you sure if this is what you want.. and who said yes even though I knew that in the end it would be no... but love is like that. So thinking of all the loved ones at the same time... especially the ones who have moved on.



Not dying, not sleeping for a long time or forever
I am pacing a lot.. not sure why.. pacing helps to still the thoughts. The yoga is good sometimes.. sometimes I cannot do it, i lie there. I cry when I have to.. well.. not in the minibus or the optician's office..  the walk on the seawall is good.. though the mind has to be controlled.. the thoughts .. because you can walk and walk and end up where you started. I cannot sleep as deep or long as I want.. every time I think I wish I was dead..that I cannot keep being held back or fighting and rebuilding dreams as ones are lost. I am scared to plan anything.. some things are taking energy and then I feel like things will not come through.. small things.

Paneer and bhajee
Food again, I cook what I like. Paneer and bhajee  - one of my favourites. Some accomplishment.. with other small short tasks. I am reduced to doing one thing at a time.. to stopping and let the despair wash over while trying to function and communicate and get things done. Important thing is to just keep moving.. do not stop and let the despair win. That will probably be death.






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