SUBJECT: EMBASSY REACTS TO LEAKS
V E R Y VERY S E C R E T - T O P OF THE L I S T FOR L E AK I N G EL DORADO 0000000000000
SUBJECT: EMBASSY REACTS TO CABLE LEAKS
REF: A. EL DORADO abc
B. ELDORADO xyz
Classified By: Political Officers Cassava Ball and Sour for no apparent reason.
1. (C) SUMMARY : The Embassy was caught off guard by the recent leaks. . Then we understood. Some officers are annoyed because they would have liked to have had a say in which ones to leak . The officers are also annoyed because there has been a backlash END SUMMARY
2. (C) Our switchboard operator has had to deal with irate calls from people in Georgetown who are upset for various reasons.
a) Some people are offended that after providing real information to our spies that their names are not listed in the cables. They did not realise that our spies wanted gossip or else they would have provided gossip. Some people would like us to issue the new cables and leak them with their names so that they could become famous.
b) Other people called in to say that they object to being referred to as "spaghetti". When Cassava Ball and Sour heard, they said no no, it is cognoscenti. That created havoc and we had to engage our security. Some people said that they were not mafia; other said that they thought we spoke English; while two persons asked for the recipe.
c) We have restructured our classification :
I) "Cognoscenti" refers to those persons who turn up everywhere, whose names are on our invitation lists but nobody knows why, and whose names appear in the newspaper letter columns. We have had some problems with the letter columns names because we keep getting email bounce messages from the highest office in the land and Cassava Ball and Sour are working on finding out .
Cognoscenti typically know how to use a knife and fork; they would not go straight to the buffet table; and would not use both hands to take food from passing trays.
Cognoscenti would typically know the meaning of the word cognoscenti, or would at least know who to ask to find the meaning.
II) "Informers" refers to those persons who would not get pass our security access for various reasons, but with whom we maintain cordial relationships because they tend to know things. We then go out and meet them or invite them to places with no security clearance.
The trouble with Informers is that they frequently forget what they told us so
Cassava Ball and Sour have devised a mechanism to record every conversation. The recordings have to be certified and verified.
The first recording had the agents interrogating Cassava Ball and Sour because it seemed that the Informers knew what was going on .
The background music was deciphered and translated into 'They are watching me'. This recording was deleted as inappropriate for evidence.
We also had problems claiming expenses because some agents after listening to the recordings from one of the local bars thought we were in Brazil and not in El Dorado
III) Underworld - there is no underworld in El Dorado so we have ceased using this classification. All trade and business activities are above board and are legitimate and any corruption is quickly dealt with by the law. There is a high conviction rate for crimes. The tea we are drinking is made with local medicinal herbs which are sometimes rolled into tubes and smoked.
d) Cassava Ball and Sour have been tasked with fixing our relationships with people because it will be a bleak Christmas. We will not be invited to any nice Christmas parties since even our friends are suspicious and do not trust us. They will not come to our parties or any events either.
e) We have been flooded with letters typed up and pre-coded and classified in the cable format with all kinds of things. These range from allegations of visa fraud at our Embassy, conspiracy theories about 9/11, conspiracy theories about 12/25 and love letters to former visa officers who are now at headquarters or in jail.
f) We have had to let our other colleague diplomats know that we will not be taking DNA of anybody from the glasses, chicken bones, tooth picks or napkins left over from the parties, lunches or drunken binges.
Cassava Ball and Sour have been asked not to steal these items until the next big story comes along.
3. (C) Drug usage in the Cabinet and allies and enemies :
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We are concerned about drug use in the country. There are rumours about a high usage of anabolic steroids and other ahem ahem performance enhancing drugs at high levels. There are laboratory test results which show some of the local steroids and other ahem ahem performance enhancing drugs result in hair loss. We have noted an increase in the amount of hair loss - the President, the Commissioner (who has been holding on tightly to his cap in case anybody takes it away from him), the Presidential Candidate and Advisor; the Pro-freedom Newspaper Publisher who was not involved in backtracking; the Hotel builder/seller/buyer who was not involved in any other business; and the Minister who did not allegedly have problems with Goats.
4. (U) We will no longer use names in the cables so as to avoid any backlash when they become leaked in the near future. What the hell, we have decided to leak this one ourselves.
5. (C) Cassava Ball and Sour are two new officers. They have been jittery because they have heard that people talk about eating Cassava Ball and Sour; about eating Cassava Ball alone; and about buying Cassava Ball for $20 each from a man in Bourda Market. They have confirmed that there is no plot to buy and sell our secrets at Bourda Market
END CABLE : EGGBALL
SUBJECT: EMBASSY REACTS TO CABLE LEAKS
REF: A. EL DORADO abc
B. ELDORADO xyz
Classified By: Political Officers Cassava Ball and Sour for no apparent reason.
1. (C) SUMMARY : The Embassy was caught off guard by the recent leaks. . Then we understood. Some officers are annoyed because they would have liked to have had a say in which ones to leak . The officers are also annoyed because there has been a backlash END SUMMARY
2. (C) Our switchboard operator has had to deal with irate calls from people in Georgetown who are upset for various reasons.
a) Some people are offended that after providing real information to our spies that their names are not listed in the cables. They did not realise that our spies wanted gossip or else they would have provided gossip. Some people would like us to issue the new cables and leak them with their names so that they could become famous.
b) Other people called in to say that they object to being referred to as "spaghetti". When Cassava Ball and Sour heard, they said no no, it is cognoscenti. That created havoc and we had to engage our security. Some people said that they were not mafia; other said that they thought we spoke English; while two persons asked for the recipe.
c) We have restructured our classification :
I) "Cognoscenti" refers to those persons who turn up everywhere, whose names are on our invitation lists but nobody knows why, and whose names appear in the newspaper letter columns. We have had some problems with the letter columns names because we keep getting email bounce messages from the highest office in the land and Cassava Ball and Sour are working on finding out .
Cognoscenti typically know how to use a knife and fork; they would not go straight to the buffet table; and would not use both hands to take food from passing trays.
Cognoscenti would typically know the meaning of the word cognoscenti, or would at least know who to ask to find the meaning.
II) "Informers" refers to those persons who would not get pass our security access for various reasons, but with whom we maintain cordial relationships because they tend to know things. We then go out and meet them or invite them to places with no security clearance.
The trouble with Informers is that they frequently forget what they told us so
Cassava Ball and Sour have devised a mechanism to record every conversation. The recordings have to be certified and verified.
The first recording had the agents interrogating Cassava Ball and Sour because it seemed that the Informers knew what was going on .
The background music was deciphered and translated into 'They are watching me'. This recording was deleted as inappropriate for evidence.
We also had problems claiming expenses because some agents after listening to the recordings from one of the local bars thought we were in Brazil and not in El Dorado
III) Underworld - there is no underworld in El Dorado so we have ceased using this classification. All trade and business activities are above board and are legitimate and any corruption is quickly dealt with by the law. There is a high conviction rate for crimes. The tea we are drinking is made with local medicinal herbs which are sometimes rolled into tubes and smoked.
d) Cassava Ball and Sour have been tasked with fixing our relationships with people because it will be a bleak Christmas. We will not be invited to any nice Christmas parties since even our friends are suspicious and do not trust us. They will not come to our parties or any events either.
e) We have been flooded with letters typed up and pre-coded and classified in the cable format with all kinds of things. These range from allegations of visa fraud at our Embassy, conspiracy theories about 9/11, conspiracy theories about 12/25 and love letters to former visa officers who are now at headquarters or in jail.
f) We have had to let our other colleague diplomats know that we will not be taking DNA of anybody from the glasses, chicken bones, tooth picks or napkins left over from the parties, lunches or drunken binges.
Cassava Ball and Sour have been asked not to steal these items until the next big story comes along.
3. (C) Drug usage in the Cabinet and allies and enemies :
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We are concerned about drug use in the country. There are rumours about a high usage of anabolic steroids and other ahem ahem performance enhancing drugs at high levels. There are laboratory test results which show some of the local steroids and other ahem ahem performance enhancing drugs result in hair loss. We have noted an increase in the amount of hair loss - the President, the Commissioner (who has been holding on tightly to his cap in case anybody takes it away from him), the Presidential Candidate and Advisor; the Pro-freedom Newspaper Publisher who was not involved in backtracking; the Hotel builder/seller/buyer who was not involved in any other business; and the Minister who did not allegedly have problems with Goats.
4. (U) We will no longer use names in the cables so as to avoid any backlash when they become leaked in the near future. What the hell, we have decided to leak this one ourselves.
5. (C) Cassava Ball and Sour are two new officers. They have been jittery because they have heard that people talk about eating Cassava Ball and Sour; about eating Cassava Ball alone; and about buying Cassava Ball for $20 each from a man in Bourda Market. They have confirmed that there is no plot to buy and sell our secrets at Bourda Market
END CABLE : EGGBALL
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