And this too has passed..

I survived again.. came through and now the familiar feeling of tiredness which is from passing through, fighting and then the feeling of knowing that regardless of what, as the friend had told me, the periods of depression will end.

It is difficult though to believe, kind of like when you have a headache.. you tend to forget what life is like without the headache. And so it is.. when you crave the cool dark room to lie down and just be.. that there will be a time when you will not crave that cool dark room. That when you stare at the screen and the blank documents, that you cannot type anything meaningful, that a time will come when you will. That the phone calls have to be postponed. The deadlines have to be postponed because I knew I will come through just that it will take time.

So the cold maybe, other triggers and then I make a concerted effort to go on the seawall.. to increase the movement, to resist the sweet while just indulging in it and then eventually.. lying down and just let everything wash over and the thoughts race all over.  I made a bad decision.. I succumbed to the fry chicken and pepsi rather than keep the belly empty and go on the seawall. But I had to go out .. to walk in the hot sun, because the alternative was to lie flat and I did not want to go down.

So sleep is interrupted again, mind racing.. I get up, 2am , send an email to a former loved one.. have conversations. It is funny when a young colleague is surprised when I tell him mental health is why I am up.. I refer him to the blog and he then tells me I should write for his mostly tech site. Karma is good like that.. but like when the headache goes.. and leaves a pleasant lethargy.. so for no reason..  the heaviness lifts.. again.. and the only casualty is the toxins imbibed and maybe some damaged reputation. But I am glad, that I came through, even though the night was sleepless .. I actually want to get up and get going.