dis wan gun las'..
The bus driver seh dat de Royal Wedding is a big ting.. and dat since he doan turn off he tv, he gun see de wedding. I ask he if he gun watch de divorce, he seh nah man, dis wan gun las'.. because dey know wan anoddah lang an' dey been tru' dey up an down aready.. he seh he watch de news..
I aint know nuttin' about married life.. I know dat I does sit in Help & shelter sometimes and watch de weddings in de garden an' say .. oh oh.. moh wuk fuh help and shelter.
I think a lot of people when they get married and fall in love and so on , they are hoping for long term arrangements. Til death do them part. Some of the men I know decide that they have no intention of being faithful though.. to their partners.. must have a lil ting on de side, while other men (and women) hope to be faithful and
Family Values
I am a conservative family values man at heart.. so if I know two married people having problem which does not have violence or abuse, and if I tink is two nice people.. I would try to help to keep them together - in one case even after the divorce. So as a result, not too many people come to me for marital counselling.
If there is any violence or abuse.. however, the thing should bruk up immediately. I aint kay what.. it should done.. because it does not get better.
Lil ting pun de side
One of the things I learn in my family is that man must have lil ting pun de side.. and it is funny and tolerated and celebrated.. the infidelity. The infidelity has had long term damage on some of us.. one of the assumptions which has been made that since I have a penis, I would tolerate infidelity and encourage it.
One of the other expectations as a man, is that other men could confide their infidelity to me and expect me to accept it..
What about the sweet woman/sweet man..
A woman I know and like tell me that she enjoyed her affair with the married man who she felt 'respected' his wife.. I asked how she knew that.. she did say from overhearing conversations and so on.. so apparently. some men (and their outside woman/man) do think that as long as the wife does not know . then all is well. I have been an outside man too.. a mistake in judgement since that kind of dishonesty is no base for any kind of sound relationship whatever the nature. Things might be exciting.. but in the end, if we believe our sexuality and spirituality are linked.. it dont wuk out.. One of things turned into a friendship before it got anywhere..
Why is it my business what my friends/acquaintances do
One of the realities of domestic violence in Guyana is that many men abuse their wives because nobody has told them that it is wrong or have sanctioned them. Many abusive men walk in society, drink with their friends - and are proud to abuse their wives and girlfriends in front of the friends.. the friends though, say nothing.. do nothing, some are ashamed.. some are horrified, some try to pretend is none of their business. Likewise.. with the infidelity.. it is my business now.. because my silence means that my friends and acquaintances would think that I am agreeing with them.. and I would tell them hey.. don't bring your sweet man/sweet woman story to me . There might be reasons.. all kind ah ting is reason fuh de outside ting.. but I would help to fix de reason dan to perpetuate some lie. And if I know.. I overhear conversation, or I meet the woman or man.. I gun talk..
Are people who cheat evil and wicked people who should be stoned to death?
In a society which seems to uphold heterosexual monogamy as a sacred value.. it is sad when some people who promise to uphold this have no intention of doing that. Many people get trapped in marriages for different reasons.. but if there is no agreement as to how they will stay together , then they should find ways out.
I know nice guys who had no intention of cheating.. who made choices and decisions and fought after their flings to keep their marriages and I think have not cheated since. Some people cheat as they approach the end of their relationships.
I know guys who cheat as a way of abusing their wives.. by trampling on their wives' and girlfriends' trust in them and saying.. look how stupid she is.. yep.. so the idea of castration does come to mind.
So no easy answers.. at the end of the day though.. if any of my friends are cheating on their partners.. I aint gonna let them think that I accept it or agree with it. I will not encourage it..
But I aint know what situation i would find myself in..and what choices I would make even as I intend to say NO.
I know some couples accept that they will have their outside dalliances, and have their comfortable situations with each other. If that is the case, then good for them. Others though, do not accept it.
I aint know nuttin' about married life.. I know dat I does sit in Help & shelter sometimes and watch de weddings in de garden an' say .. oh oh.. moh wuk fuh help and shelter.
I think a lot of people when they get married and fall in love and so on , they are hoping for long term arrangements. Til death do them part. Some of the men I know decide that they have no intention of being faithful though.. to their partners.. must have a lil ting on de side, while other men (and women) hope to be faithful and
Family Values
I am a conservative family values man at heart.. so if I know two married people having problem which does not have violence or abuse, and if I tink is two nice people.. I would try to help to keep them together - in one case even after the divorce. So as a result, not too many people come to me for marital counselling.
If there is any violence or abuse.. however, the thing should bruk up immediately. I aint kay what.. it should done.. because it does not get better.
Lil ting pun de side
One of the things I learn in my family is that man must have lil ting pun de side.. and it is funny and tolerated and celebrated.. the infidelity. The infidelity has had long term damage on some of us.. one of the assumptions which has been made that since I have a penis, I would tolerate infidelity and encourage it.
One of the other expectations as a man, is that other men could confide their infidelity to me and expect me to accept it..
What about the sweet woman/sweet man..
A woman I know and like tell me that she enjoyed her affair with the married man who she felt 'respected' his wife.. I asked how she knew that.. she did say from overhearing conversations and so on.. so apparently. some men (and their outside woman/man) do think that as long as the wife does not know . then all is well. I have been an outside man too.. a mistake in judgement since that kind of dishonesty is no base for any kind of sound relationship whatever the nature. Things might be exciting.. but in the end, if we believe our sexuality and spirituality are linked.. it dont wuk out.. One of things turned into a friendship before it got anywhere..
Why is it my business what my friends/acquaintances do
One of the realities of domestic violence in Guyana is that many men abuse their wives because nobody has told them that it is wrong or have sanctioned them. Many abusive men walk in society, drink with their friends - and are proud to abuse their wives and girlfriends in front of the friends.. the friends though, say nothing.. do nothing, some are ashamed.. some are horrified, some try to pretend is none of their business. Likewise.. with the infidelity.. it is my business now.. because my silence means that my friends and acquaintances would think that I am agreeing with them.. and I would tell them hey.. don't bring your sweet man/sweet woman story to me . There might be reasons.. all kind ah ting is reason fuh de outside ting.. but I would help to fix de reason dan to perpetuate some lie. And if I know.. I overhear conversation, or I meet the woman or man.. I gun talk..
Are people who cheat evil and wicked people who should be stoned to death?
In a society which seems to uphold heterosexual monogamy as a sacred value.. it is sad when some people who promise to uphold this have no intention of doing that. Many people get trapped in marriages for different reasons.. but if there is no agreement as to how they will stay together , then they should find ways out.
I know nice guys who had no intention of cheating.. who made choices and decisions and fought after their flings to keep their marriages and I think have not cheated since. Some people cheat as they approach the end of their relationships.
I know guys who cheat as a way of abusing their wives.. by trampling on their wives' and girlfriends' trust in them and saying.. look how stupid she is.. yep.. so the idea of castration does come to mind.
So no easy answers.. at the end of the day though.. if any of my friends are cheating on their partners.. I aint gonna let them think that I accept it or agree with it. I will not encourage it..
But I aint know what situation i would find myself in..and what choices I would make even as I intend to say NO.
I know some couples accept that they will have their outside dalliances, and have their comfortable situations with each other. If that is the case, then good for them. Others though, do not accept it.
Wonderfully written as usual, Vidya. I am not even sure we can ever predict whether a marriage will last or not. Some seem to beat all odds and maybe that is why some unexpectedly do endure...the greater the challenge, the more likely each partner is to work on it. Forgiveness and respect for each other are definitely necessary components.
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