Racing mind, sweet and solitude..

Superstition says different things about the moon and moon light and the full moon and the last few days I wondered if the position of the moon and planets influenced the way in which my mental health was fluctuating. There were the low feelings, the urges to eat, the restlessness, inability to concentrate and the bursts of energy which  had no creative outlet and feeling bad about not being able to produce at a rate which I thought was reasonable. A blasted cold made deep breathing a bit more difficult and the compulsive eating of nuts, plaintain chips, crackers made the body feel heavier  - the sugar level was probably higher.

This quirky cartoon articles in the Guardian about meditation talk about how important it is to detach from the mind and understand what is going on. The analogy - instead of feeling that you are in the middle of a road where the thoughts are like cars rushing at you from all directions and that you cannot move, step aside and watch the flow of the traffic.
I functioned, performed , did what I had to do but the energy was a lot. The periods of  yoga helped, except that I seem to do the physical movements well without controlling the mind to bring in line with the body which is what is supposed to happen.

 Until one afternoon, as I lay in the savasana pose and I felt that I was lying on the road and the thoughts were running over me and keeping me down. I wanted the place to be dark again and just lie there forever.. but the practice requires controlling the mind and I fought that urge and got up to go find some solitude somewhere.. the seawall. My feet did not feel like they were moving - I could not do the normal brisk walk - focussing on the walk probably slowed me down and I thought of how some mad people shuffle slowly. 

I reach the seawall and there is no solitude.. it is crowded and fate is funny.. I meet more people than I have ever met in one 40 minute stint.. maybe a lot of people needed the solitude of the seawall too. The rubbish smell helps to quicken the pace, there is a faint wind. Gradually, the thoughts are being stilled or I find myself directing the traffic now, not quite on the side of the road. I start to feel the kind of fatigue that comes after another battle with myself... like how you feel after a fever is sweated out. I want to sit down and watch out at the sunset, but then I think that I should keep walking. Other people come up to talk.. and I don't feel the urge to chase them away.

I am conscious about the compulsive eating.. and I stop , I am seriously considering carrot sticks rather than have nuts and plantain chips around.  The cold is gone it seems, so the deep breathing has resumed, and when the thoughts are racing, it is difficult to breathe deeply.


I think whether I should write this blog.. it seems self indulgent, but writing this is a kind of detachment, I get to put things in perspective. The writings in the journal are ramblings, but here at least, writing this helps me celebrate that I have come through another battle with myself  without any scars.