Letting time pass without trying to fill it..

Mark Rice-Oxley is a man around my age who wrote about dealing with his depression . The things he talked about are important, some of them are not easily available in Guyana like psychotherapy. The comments on the article reflect the nice range of responses.. like stupes, what you got to bother about, you aint a poor black woman with kids or you not living in floods or disaster zones, to.. good thing to open up and talk about what is happening.
One thing he said was striking.. that he learned to let time pass without trying to fill it. The last few months have been hectic for me.. and by the time I got to Vienna, I was tired and thinking what the hell am I doing there when I could be better occupied doing other things. The week ended up being messy, with me wanting to quit at some point and come back to Guyana. But I persevered.

The Saturday morning I left Vienna for Salzburg was cloudy. The train had electric point and I was going to plug in the laptop to be useful and then said.. what the hell is wrong with me? So I sat back and enjoyed the scenery.. let the time pass without trying to read or be productive.. and the next seven days were like that.. but productivity happened in some human engagements and other things I am sure.
Same thing in Budapest.. I panicked the first morning, no internet, I have to find a cafe.. then said.. hey.. sit down, with your coffee and watch the sky and the chimney and the world did not end. I did a lot of that , sit down and watch around and let the mind wander on many things.. and it helped.. no anxieties.. though a tinge of guilt that I should be home with the parents or doing something.

Mark Oxley talks about doing the undoable.. about pushing the limits. I like doing the undoable, but it takes its toll when you stop finding Audre Lorde's erotic in doing.
Andre asked how is my head.. and I said it was good. I was able to find back the erotic in doing nothing for a bit, and in also doing the things like eating cheap and travelling cheap and aimlessly. I had to let go of the guilt of not being able to do all the things I think I should be doing, and celebrating the ironies of things which I end up doing instead.
The horoscope on Monday said that "Stick to the main matter. Don't allow yourself to go off on tangents. Those flights of fancy that usually add whimsy and wonder to your world will now just waste your time. Stay focused." and I want to dead wid laff because I have no intention of staying focussed , but will go off on tangents and get whimsy.

Here's to wasting time and staying healthy!