Nina Simone and strawberry sundae

I told my friend about the feelings of wanting to die and he sent me the youtube links to Nina Simone singing Mississippi Goddam and Ain'T Got No - I Got Life . I am reminded of real struggles and people who dont give up and feel ashamed ,but reminders of other struggles in other times and thinking of what I am fighting.

Tonight I walked from home to Sidewalk, west along the seawall, a bit of sunset, some on the mud flats of the low tide. It was spontaneous decision, just to try to move and stop my mind a bit.
I do not know if it is linked, these feelings of fear that I am not going to win, at the same time that I have about 20 new things which are happpening at the same time - new ideas, new projects which are pushing boundaries. The feelings of fear and uselessness are sometimes supposed to be the limiting factors when taking on new risks, so at this time, things must be multiplied hundred fold as I feel that I am managing different things which are not going the way I expected and feeling worse because I should have planned differently.



I bought a strawberry sundae thing, I wanted chocolate, but they did not have so ate it just before introducing the film. The sugar is not helping, in fact at the back of my head is the feeling that I should eat carefully, do not succumb to the desire to just fall into a sugar coma. I am craving junk food as well but doing it.

I have been frustrated at a couple of personal relationships and I have removed a few from the 'facebook' account so as to avoid contact.. that does not mean that they are not in my mind but at least I could put them in a part where things are good and not have conversations which end up as unresolved quarrels.

So, I just had to try to cancel a few things, schedule breaks, I hate that.. I want to do one thing after another, to be able to do everything I say yes to. Meanwhile, I switch .. I stop thinking of these things, try taking one thing at a time.. conversations in the present which are not about thinking of the things I have outstanding or the things I fight up to do which are poor quality because I am rushed, I am weaker than I used to be, that I am consumed by feeling tired and fighting the tiredness.

Comments

  1. AnonymousJune 25, 2010 at 11:18 PM

    Vidya,
    take it from an expert - what you feel the desire to eat represents what is going on inside of you as per what your body is sensing.

    once, a friend did reiki on me, and i had commited myself to becoming a vegan and start following the orders instead of being an ownway child ... so after this intense session, past lives flashing etc. ... by the way, i recently read that parts about reincarnation were deleted from the Holy Bible, anyway ... right, so i had this session, in earnest. as i drove home, i had this deep urge to stop at royal castle. so i did ... and i felt the need to pull over and begin eating greedily... awright ... mo on this later of what happened next. but my point ... playing close attention to cravings and what we eat is about the inside. bwoy, i tell yu me know nuff bout this, man.

    later,
    janice imhoff

    will send it to you on email. but i know plantain chips - crunchy is anger, ice cream - the need to be soothed and for some softness. i think you will enjoy it.

    later,
    janice imhoff

    ReplyDelete

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