I do not want to be so liberated..

Hey buddy, Seeta Ram. Last night while we talking about love, relationships and sex, and you told me that you want to be on dl, and i asked why you dont talk to people, you said that you did not want to be so liberated.
It shocked me, and pained me as well even though I know that people have their own journeys.
You asked me not to write about this.. but I reading Audre Lorde Transforming Silence and now I feel like I cannot shut up.

So buddy, in the conversation you said that you could get a woman anytime, but that you want a "nice mature independent man". You know, nice mature independent men are in high demand.. as fathers, sons, brothers, lovers, friends, citizens.. and a lot of us men aim to be and think we are nice and mature and independent. So while looking for that man, hopefully you will also become that man who others could turn to.

You say you want to explore that 'side' of you.. and by that you mean you want to have sex with a guy and see if that is what you want. A lot of people believe that this 'aspect' of human sexuality is just about 'sex'.. forgetting of course that you might want to , could also experience love, maybe the kind which bell hooks talk about, the nurturing love which could also be celibate. But you said that not now, you do not want to be loved by or to love another man and I felt sad, because the homophobic world says that men and women with same sex desires only want to be dirty, to be immoral and anti-God... and men who have sex with men cheat on their wives and carry HIV/AIDs and so on

so man, you told me you do not want to be political about your desire.. you want to be in your corner, and have the desire and a chance to satisfy it with someone you like.. man, how could I let you know that it could be different if you don't be silent, acknowledging that desire and working with it and making it a positive part of the man you want to be..  can you imagine yourself differently?

now and then we talked about religion and it is easy to forget it, but maybe, God is watching you, so that you cannot feel that you have found the man who will agree with you and bruk you in and possibly leave you thinking that there are no other ways for same-sex loving human beings to relate to each other

So buddy, as you said.. your choice is not to be so liberated.. I hope that the nice mature independent man/men (and women?) you chose to be with.. that they will allow you to be who you are in a way which is just not for the dark closets and that you at least would feel the desire to be liberated and one day be ask what Audre Lorde asks "Of   what had I ever been afraid? "..

Much love

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