Self care and self indulgence
The amazing woman told me that I have to look after myself before anyone else. She herself is a survivor of incest. There is an ongoing struggle, it never ends really, there seem to be waves of feelings which I have to supress.
I am anxious that I could deliver what I have to deliver, and that I do not screw up on things. At the same time, I just feel sometimes that I want to lie down and not move. I wish sometimes there was a switch I could turn off.. and maybe turn on again. I am not going to kill myself. But it seems sometimes that it would not be a bad thing if I could not exist anymore. A nice woman reminded me of funeral expenses and arrangements, so another reason not to dwell too much on the whole thing.
Self care is good, but every time I have tried to plan something, the time off, it seems not to work out, and I feel guilty that I am being self indulgent.. hey I have a lot to be thankful for so what the hell is overwhelming me. But that is it, waves of guilt at not achieving what I should be achieving, and then anger and fighting it and trying to get up and do the things to achieve, then fatigue again that I have to fight.. and somewhere trying to ensure that the spirit is nourished.
The physical body takes a battering. So does the spirit. Apathy could set in and I want my senses to take over to feel things.. so I want the sweet, but there is no sweet, and I want cold icecream, and there is no icecream.. fortunately. Even as I do the yoga sometimes, I stop feeling the stretches and sometimes have to stop and start again.
The mind should stop racing or it might be good to just let the thoughts flow like water and lie down and not move and then get up when the time is right.
Things are take a bit longer to do. A few people have moved away, they do not want to stay close to a basket case.. or as one woman told me , she was so upset, she thought I was strong and reliable and did not want to hear that I also had times when I cannot cope.
Well, that is why I am writing this.. part of the strengthening . I never asked anyone to think I was strong nor made any claims.. but that is it, sometimes we are 'strong' and sometimes we are 'not strong'.
Self care is important, there are things now to confront which I have not done. Grief at the loss of the things which would never happen. Trying to find new visions, things to do.. and not be frustrated.. the running and walking paused because the knee give up, the laziness at not being able to do the exercise routine, the time not being there to read all the books.
The volunteer work and activism has to be reorganised to get joy, those things seem to be a chore now. The constant changes in the environment which are unsettling, the job I thought I had which I might not have, things always changing around, every two days and I cannot seem to plan anything properly.
Self indulgence.. reaching for biscuit and jam and thinking of cake and icecream and lots of chocolate, and resisting the urge to buy one of each chocolate at the blasted Bounty rack, about 10 different bars there. I dont have enough money and I dont have the card.. but all part of how the self care seems to screw up.. everything out of reach and the plans dont seem to come through the way I make them.
There are affirmations, but I do not want them really. I am glad I had some time to laugh this evening with an unexpected person, but that is what the Universe does at the strangest times, connects. So there must be some reason why I cant have my dreams come true, because there are other dreams, other lessons to be learnt which I did not think about and that is why there is no blasted switch to turn off and on.
I am anxious that I could deliver what I have to deliver, and that I do not screw up on things. At the same time, I just feel sometimes that I want to lie down and not move. I wish sometimes there was a switch I could turn off.. and maybe turn on again. I am not going to kill myself. But it seems sometimes that it would not be a bad thing if I could not exist anymore. A nice woman reminded me of funeral expenses and arrangements, so another reason not to dwell too much on the whole thing.
Self care is good, but every time I have tried to plan something, the time off, it seems not to work out, and I feel guilty that I am being self indulgent.. hey I have a lot to be thankful for so what the hell is overwhelming me. But that is it, waves of guilt at not achieving what I should be achieving, and then anger and fighting it and trying to get up and do the things to achieve, then fatigue again that I have to fight.. and somewhere trying to ensure that the spirit is nourished.
The physical body takes a battering. So does the spirit. Apathy could set in and I want my senses to take over to feel things.. so I want the sweet, but there is no sweet, and I want cold icecream, and there is no icecream.. fortunately. Even as I do the yoga sometimes, I stop feeling the stretches and sometimes have to stop and start again.
The mind should stop racing or it might be good to just let the thoughts flow like water and lie down and not move and then get up when the time is right.
Things are take a bit longer to do. A few people have moved away, they do not want to stay close to a basket case.. or as one woman told me , she was so upset, she thought I was strong and reliable and did not want to hear that I also had times when I cannot cope.
Well, that is why I am writing this.. part of the strengthening . I never asked anyone to think I was strong nor made any claims.. but that is it, sometimes we are 'strong' and sometimes we are 'not strong'.
Self care is important, there are things now to confront which I have not done. Grief at the loss of the things which would never happen. Trying to find new visions, things to do.. and not be frustrated.. the running and walking paused because the knee give up, the laziness at not being able to do the exercise routine, the time not being there to read all the books.
The volunteer work and activism has to be reorganised to get joy, those things seem to be a chore now. The constant changes in the environment which are unsettling, the job I thought I had which I might not have, things always changing around, every two days and I cannot seem to plan anything properly.
Self indulgence.. reaching for biscuit and jam and thinking of cake and icecream and lots of chocolate, and resisting the urge to buy one of each chocolate at the blasted Bounty rack, about 10 different bars there. I dont have enough money and I dont have the card.. but all part of how the self care seems to screw up.. everything out of reach and the plans dont seem to come through the way I make them.
There are affirmations, but I do not want them really. I am glad I had some time to laugh this evening with an unexpected person, but that is what the Universe does at the strangest times, connects. So there must be some reason why I cant have my dreams come true, because there are other dreams, other lessons to be learnt which I did not think about and that is why there is no blasted switch to turn off and on.
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