Being active, indulging in too much sweet..

I used to wander what the triggers are for me to collapse. I thought I was doing okay but this evening as I went to do the yoga, I could not make it through the routine, even as I tried  and said I would. I wonder if had too much condensed milk today and maybe the sugar has the brain active.

So.. I lay on the floor and cursed and the thoughts just flooded, the sense of having disappointed a few people who kept asking me to go sing chowtaal when I had other things to do, or when I seem to have disappointed people who thought I would have been active in a mandir on Shiv Ratri and I said that I preferred to stay home. Maybe I am too sensitive, but no amount of condensed milk seems to have staved off the feeling that I should be doing something else or being a better person.

I have been blessed though, with new experiences. I had the experience on Sunday of witnessing in a mandir, a man being 'possessed' . I was scared, some of us think that is not the right thing to do in hindu worship, and then remembering  that Hindus have diverse forms of worship,  my palms were sweating. So I confronted my fears, went up and asked the man about who had invoked the deities and he said that yes, he invokes for good not for bad.  In Den Amstel on Monday I met an amazing group of people, mostly women, the first time I have ever been there. Meanwhile, I had to struggle with dealing with things which I thought were completely closed off and dealt with.

One of the women said she could forget her own feelings of low self worth when she helps someone else and focusses on the problem. That is true, always to have a challenge and work with it. The trouble as I found tonight, is when I went to do the yoga, I could not move or stretch. So, there is no real getting away from oneself.
But .. celebration comes in thinking of the things which have been done and achieved and also in ensuring that the mind could rest.