Thinking of suicide..

The last few weeks have been low, battling the despair and the feeling of not wanting to move and thinking I could die now and it would not be a problem for me. I also fought the feelings, struggled to get up , do the things I should be doing, while feeling worse that I cannot get things done. The fighting was tiring, and at times I wish that I did not have to fight anymore. One day I gave into it, cancelled a meeting and went and bought ice cream, which I ate with honey roasted peanuts and pineapple jam. There were times I felt I should talk to my friends, but I did not bother.. I think Fate intervened in one instant so as to avoid codependency.



I do not know if wanting to die is the same as wanting to kill myself. I do not think I could kill myself at the moment, it seems difficult to me and I wonder if it were easier , like turning off a switch, if I would do it.  Another friend told me the same thing, she has recovered from a period of depression. We laughed about this.

I think being able to accept and laugh at death, and to do the same about suicide helps to stop feeling bad about feeling that you want to die. One less thing to fight up about and feel ashamed about so that it could be managed.



Funnily, while going through this, there were several discussions about sucide going on. The Ministry of Health continues to do lots of training but never get anything off the ground as regards Mental health. Poor Minister Ramsammy probably has a set of things he speaks at every workshop or conference opening he has to open, a lot of rhetoric. He himself seems so powerless about everything he is supposed to do. The police even charged a rape survivor for attempted suicide, and fortunately the DPP reduced those charges. In the UK, debates are going on about euthanasia/assisted dying.

There are really too few places to go in Guyana if you are thinking of killing yourself and want independent help. The further out of Georgetown the less the options are, so it is really up to people to care for themselves.

I watched two films, Veronika decides to die, and Something is Killing Tate which are about survivors of suicide. Both are interesting in that while being preachy, they are empathetic with the survivors. One woman say maybe because of her age, she embraces life and cannot imagine why anyone would want to die.

I will have some thoughts when I am depressed about death and suicide. I  know that deep down I am not likely to actually go kill myself and I think this is going to help me to story worrying about things too much and try to focus on recovery and thriving.