What they are saying about me..
I have to confess, I am always fascinated by what people think about me. People like to say that I am one of those people who don't kay damn because I do not trouble to shave too much or wear clothes that spend too long under an iron.
But truth be told, I love getting the feedback and processing it, I always want to know and to go over it. In my head I try to have some sense of my self. I realise that in the end I am just a bundle of other people's expectations and prejudices, and okay, I confess, I have a lot of fun with what people think I am.
The raging homosexual is my favourite, there is something about a raging homosexual .. you know, which sounds like if I could shout, scream, rage, buse, flare up.. put on bright clothes, and if I could go further... me wearing a golden wig, large wet eyelashes, thick lipstick, kinky boots.. and busin' really loudly. The last time I shouted at someone they ignored me.. truth be told, my rage is really impotent and I am not sure if kinky boots and tight skirt would make a difference in those protests I take part in, especially outside Parliament. And I do not have the courage to find out .. yeah i know, there are some raging homosexuals who do not have to wear any kind of clothes to show their true selves..
"Seeta Ram Pandit," the man shouted when I went to the seawall in the kurta and dhoti to throw the puja things in the sea. Last year same thing happened. I keep getting the 'I thought you are a pandit' question.. some people say I should do the pandit work, and others cynically say I have the 'look' , the tall fair skinned thing which apparently looks saintly.. and then in a few places when I eat fish or chicken, I get the 'I thought you were a vegetarian" statement. I feel very guilty about this one, to the extent that I do not eat fish or chicken in some places. Yeah, I know, hypocrite..
Other people do not believe I am Hindu and the larger the beard, I have been told 'Assalam Alaikum'.
With my glasses, people think I look like a doctor, God help me when I wear a white shirt. I keep thinking that when the IT thing fails, I should do some kind of healing thing and call myself doctor. Do a television programme. In Jamaica, this is where I get the doctor thing the most. One or two minibus drivers in Guyana wonder why a doctor is in the minibus. One conductor at 2pm asked me what kind of work I do, since I am often in the minibus 'during working hours'.
Mr Bean.. I have gotten that for years.. different people, airport security lady in Piarco, shop assistant in the UK, Aunt Edna from Region 9, two young men walking past me in Port of Spain, Lower Sixth student at Bishops' , all say I look like Mr Bean. I could never figure it out and part of me is always listening out to who next would call me Mr Bean..
A few people ask me when I am going to run for President.., When I look at the qualities above, I wonder if those are the kinds of qualities which have been possessed by Guyanese Presidents? I would not want to wish a hypocritical raging homosexual on any country.
The other stuff, being arrogant, hypocritical, egotistic etc etc.. well , some people think these and nothing I will do will change that.
Thing is, should I bother.. if one person thinks I am a hypocrite while others think I am consistent in my principles? I like to think that I like everybody and that for some people, I have no desire to know them well enough so as to dislike them. Or for them to dislike me. But.. as I judge others, I have to face up to others judging me. I regret that people would be rigid in their beliefs not to be in other people's shoes.. that apparently includes me.
So for all those reading this, do you know what people are saying about you?
I read the link to the "raging homosexual" comment. I chuckled actually. To think that this was their contribution to the very serious discourse that is at hand...
ReplyDeleteRos
I do not know what people are saying about me and frankly i do not care because regardless of who i tell them i am they will only believe what they want me to be to fit their preference of me, i always get that, oh you look familiar thing,hmmmm....
ReplyDeletePeople will always think of you whatever they want just so they can make it comfortable enough for themselves to be around you and I do not think you look like Mr Bean.
you must have a thick skin to share the good, bad, & ugly too. admirable....but you don't seem to have a lot of your own reflection ...are the people right or wrong? do you have ego or anger issues to work on? whatyou think, deep deep down? on the other hand, good for you, for not giving a f*ck
ReplyDeleteI have learnt to process feedback, and not take things too personally and also not take myself too seriously.
ReplyDeleteI believe that all of the people are right - it is what they see about me. What unnerves me are the people who have told me they had me on a pedestal, and then something I have said would let them down.. I do not know that I ever set out to be on a pedestal for anybody.
As to not giving a f.... , I think I do a few times but nothing I do will seem to change how people view me.
"but nothing I do will seem to change how people view me" --- too fatalistic vidyaratha.
ReplyDeletenot that you should spend too much time hung up on other's views, but if it is someone who matters to you....?
If it was someone who mattered to me.. I would take what they are saying on board and try to communicate further .. sometimes though, there are some gaps which cannot be closed
ReplyDeleteWould the Mahatma agree? Follow the way of tofu, and karma yoga. Conflict is an opportunity and you are the conduit.
ReplyDeletemaybe you need to be more concerned with what you say about others than what they say about you. guard against bad attitude, you know?
ReplyDeletedefinitely shelanda.. what are you talking about though?
ReplyDeletethat's a longer conversation
ReplyDelete