Thinking of my insanity...

A mad man took the feet of a bloated rotten dog carcass and moved it away from near the seawall and threw it in the ocean. He then took off all his clothes, put on some thing looking like a white cloth and went and bathe.
It is not clear if the motivation to move the carcass was to do some public good for the sane people on the seawall who would not have done the same thing. He did not come back to the spot, so I do not think it was for him.

I want to think that this mad man did some service.

Last week, we learnt that British Prime Minister offered an apology to Alan Turing, who was called the Father of modern computers and who committed suicide. I am thinking of these two mad men.

In Guyana, mental health has great stigma attached to it. Guyana has neglected mental health as a result and there are no Guyanese organisations which will focus on mental health or illness (and this is not about suicide prevention only). There probably is no funding available.

I have not been diagnosed with any mental illness, but I have accepted that I am prone to periods of depression which sometimes slow me down. I am blogging here in the exhibitionist way perhaps of hoping that Guyanese would also talk a bit about their experiences with mental health. There are many people who have coped with their own mental illness, or the mental illness of friends.. but when these stories are written.. you see that names are changed for 'confidentiality' sake.

Shame
I used to be ashamed and angry at myself for not being man enough to be hale and hearty all the time. A friend once asked me how the hell do guys allow themselves to get into this stage and that this is weakness, he let slip that word.  I have no idea, because I know a few other guys who have the blues and who are also ashamed of admitting it or who resort  to liquor to deal with it. My uncle was diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic, a favourite uncle.  I am glad that I did the work at Help & Shelter because I was forced to confront my own mental health issues at times and to be open about it.

Why do I get depressed?
Another friend when I tell him I need to chill out, says... "Buddy, what the hell you got to be depressed about? You aint got no wife or children " .  I have no idea what the triggers are, but I think that there is a combination of lack of rest, a sense of underachievement when deadlines are not being met and then when things are not going well around with family. Thing is, I am not sure if these are triggers, or if these are in my head, consequences of a slip. What I do know is that sometimes, when I am feeling like I am slipping, I take it easy, slow down, and just chill. I sometimes panic that I will not get work done but the panic and the struggles sometimes push you down further like quicksand or 'suck sand' as we say here. So there is this downward spiral which has to be managed.

Are there core issues which I am not fixing? Probably.. I do not know. I think I have fixed all my core issues but maybe there are more. I am open to suggestions.

Some people believe depression is an instinctive response to when change is about to happen or to when faced with doing great tasks, while others think it is a middle class cop out for people who are weak and cannot deal with pressure.

What happens when I am depressed?
I start to feel angry a lot, a lot of things make me frustrated and irritated, but I just turn it inwards and then at the same time I am trying to tell my self to calm down. I start pacing , movement helps I think. Sometimes, I feel that I have no time to do the calming down and that makes me angry. I sometimes crave darkness and to lie down and sleep and never get up. Sometimes, I write angry emails and text messages to close friends, and  not so close friends which are sometimes filled with self loathing. I keep one which I sent  in 2002 and I am amazed at what I wrote.

I feel fatigued, but restless so I do not rest and then that probably creates a spiral. I am usually impotent but I have intention of using any meds for that either to get a "lil bit" to fix my mood.

Do I function normally?
I struggle to do simple tasks, but when feeling overwhelmed and helpless, some how or the other, I am able to get through, whether for the Grace of God who knows. I hear that 'melancholy' is a state of some people who managed to do "great" things.  In 2000 while doing the 16 days in Cayman, I had a crisis but most activities went ahead and according to evaluations, were done well except for two events. In 2002, one of the greatest ironies, the night before doing a Suicide Prevention workshop at H&S, I sat in my office, turned off the lights, and felt a lot of pain.. i felt in my belly a tightness and i doubled over.. felt like crying.. but could not cry. But the workshop went well.
Last year, around this time, I had to do a session for the Berbice Software Freedom Day activities and after my presentation, the teacher came up to me and said she was pleasantly surprised... I wanted to tell her "me too" moving as it was from the morning when I felt like I did not want to come up to Berbice to having pleasantly surprised her.

I have sat down and led a Ramayana group when feeling low.. a kind of schizophrenia where my mind seems to be in two states and I distance myself from what I am doing or I just keep one state back to ensure I can do what I have to do.. I have been in discussions, I have done work, been in crowds being sociable while just wanting to run away..

At times I slow down, and I cannot do all the things I have to do. I have accepted this and am no longer angry at myself for having to slow down and take things easy. I also try to explain to people that I cannot talk to them or that I cannot deal with certain things. This includes family and sometimes there is a suck teeth response, or they let me be.

Death, suicide and dying..

I have wanted to die a lot. Another friend told me in frustration one night when I told him I could not go out with him.. that if he were me he would have killed himself rather than live the way I did with the uncertainty of knowing when I would lapse.

I feel that I would want 'euthanasia' if there comes a time in my life when I can no longer look after myself or be able to function. This view might change as I get older and probably hang on to life. I am such a control freak that I think I will be one of those 'disgusting' old people who cannot let others look after them.

About killing myself now, , I do not know.. is it lack of courage, or the threads of thinking, who the hell would bury me, the trouble i would put people to if I kill myself and that the methods are painful or need a lot of effort to organise.. but.. I have a friend who survived slitting his wrists and I know other people who survived and they are glad that they survived.

Even though there are times when I wished I were dead, I have stopped thinking of suicide as a way to cope.. as another friend who also goes through the blues said.. one thing we are certain of, is that these periods do pass so we have to chill and wait.

So while there may be times when I wish i were dead, most times I am glad that I am alive and I have accepted that I have no control of when I will die, but just how I live.

What helps and what does not help?
These have worked for me and for others.. I do not know.

When I first started recognising what was happening, I started reading up. I recognised that in some of my low states, there were times I felt like i was trying to project my pain and anger on others and develop a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship with them, by manipulating their concern and affection for me. I hated myself for doing this, and there were many apologies afterwards.

I then let people know, and the first thing that helps me is to ignore my rantings and ravings. And focus on the things to get done.. my favourite email from a colleague is one which goes.. "Dear Vidya, hope you get over your depression soon .. Please remember that you have to comment on the.... ", - a woman who thinks that I have no reason to be depressed since there are women who survive poverty , violence and other things and get by. 

Secondly, I need icecream and chocolate and sweet, lots of sweet. The guy who told me he would have killed himself, he turned up at my office with icecream and and a doughnut once.. after I told him I could not talk on the phone. I then realised the power of sugar, and I also had to be careful that I did not become dependent on it. last Friday night, in a crisis.. I could not find sweet, so had banana, then dipped the spoon in the jar of jelly.. and I think I felt a bit better.

Running, movement, exercise.. walking.. space.. . The Surya Namaskar in the morning.. it is difficult when your mind is racing with all kinds of low thoughts and feelings and you are not focussing on getting your body to move or on the mantras, sometimes it takes long to move between poses.. but the thing about yoga is that you have to put your mind on your body and breathing.. I think this morning, it helped me to start to come through this recent episode.


Running.. last Friday night I ran the furthest I have in a while and it did not help much, most times it does. Another guy who does 5 - 6 miles said same thing, most times it helps, but other times it does not.. but at least you get to do some exercise.


Light.. I begged not to have curtains in my room. The sun on my face pushes me up and out. Fluorescent light does not work.. has to be real sunlight. One time I remember going on the seawall in the sunshine and the intense heat and light lifted my mood. I believe there are other things in my environment.. my preference for open windows vs airconditioning, and for being able to always see 'outside' no matter how ugly the view.

Friends.. counselling.. whatever..
I believe the women around me handle me better than the guys.. and I say handle me because they do not allow me to descend into self pity or feelings of uselessness or inadequacy.

Men probably dont know to deal with these things. One friend ran with me once.. pulling me along really when i felt that I did not want to,  and during the run did not bother to ask or say anything.. that helped.. Another friend kept asking.. "what is bothering you, why aren't you telling me" and got pissed off when I said.. man, just talk some nice things.. and that put an end to the friendship. He felt that because he told me he loved me meant that I should be able to tell him what was bothering me.. even if I had to make it up.
I do not regret that, or the other man who confessed to stop loving me because of being scared when I got low.

Just the physical presence and being there is enough.. you dont have to say anything.. and please no lectures on what to do.. no recommendations on anything .. no crap about 'you need to take a break' or 'you need to take a drink' or 'you need to .... " whatever.  And listen to me, to what I ask of you.. so if I say I need to hear something nice.. tell me something nice.. dont ask me why am I depressed... and also normal conversation.. keep that going.. like if nothing is wrong with me.. if I dont want to talk, I would not talk.

I do not need affirmations of how good a person I am.. they sound like platitudes during that time.. unless I ask for it and sometimes I am glad for the honesty which says that "hey.. you are a great person when you are not being an ass " A woman I love tells me to journal and keeps the affirmations for when things are good, and when I feel low she just reminds me that I am low and I should go sleep.

But what about prayer..

When I am low.. I feel that I am far from God, and I usually thank God when I come through the phase.. some cynics would say but is God who put me there  in the first place. I am sometimes angry with God. I cannot pray when I am low to get back on stream.. because part of the feelings of lowness is that I am ungrateful for the good things in my life or that I should be doing more with my life which God has put there.

And medication..
I pray and hope that I never have to use any medication to deal with my mind.. pain killers for headache and lomotil for diarrohea and the odd antibiotics, but apart from those, I like my conscious mind, screwed up as it might be... Sugar is probably the only thing I want. I have seen how some people who are on prozac and lithium are, and I have seen catatonia.. and I am sometimes scared that I get to such a state. Millions of people no doubt have benefited from meds, but I do not want to be one of the minority who are screwed up further.
A friend who sufferend from post partum depression and had to be medicated and committed had to go through electroconvulsive therapy . I was horrified but she is now functioning as a doctor and mother .

I am grateful to Dr Julie Hando who helped me without making me feel powerless to accept what was happening and to also start to think of self care. I wish Guyana could have more psychotherapists who could work through some of the crises.

Thriving..
I am writing this, a Sunday morning when I had a lot of work to do and after a night of agony in which I was angry about a lot of things and had strange dreams (I think eating plaintain chips late does that to me)... I made my peace with one of the loved ones I had texted to cuss up.  I hope that Guyanese would start talking about Mental health as part of wellness and that we start to think of how we could manage the various illnesses. I am conscious that by putting this blog in the public, that there could be consequences in terms of jobs I might seek, etc. I sometimes watch the utterances and behaviour of one or two of politicians and I recognise sometimes similarities in how I rant and rave and I wonder if they also have mental health problems. They say Abe Lincoln suffered from Melancholy and there are  probably also many great and not so great people or people who might have been greater had they known how to manage their mental health.

Spirituality is good.. and always finding a peace in terms of knowing that whatever you do is good enough, helps. So I do not battle any more with not being able to do things and feel a loser for not doing that. The Hindu faith teaches a detachment from our actions and of doing things and giving to the world.. and I do that. What I forgot, is that sometimes in my loving, that sometimes I love with expectations of behaviours and during times of melancholy, I would be angry and bring up the negative and forget the positives. I am happy for those who love me even when I am low.

I recognised that managing depression is active.. and this last episode, I had to decide to take a walk, go for the run, take the spoon and eat the jam, desist from calling people to cuss them but sending emails. I also spent a few hours doing this write up, hours which could be better spent doing other things no doubt.. but hey.. one of the ways of thriving is just saying to hell with being productive and doing things which you think are good for you and not feel guilty about it. And in writing this, I have felt better, much better.

In the end, I hope that I do not cause harm to anyone or to myself and I feel pretty hopeful that would not happen and that I will  do as the mad man did on the seawall, look after others while looking after myself.