"Tek care of yuhself"...


The man hasn't aged much in the 15 or so years I have seen him selling oranges. I had stopped buying because the quality wasn't good. Sun was hot and I was disoriented by the things on my mind.

I bought some from him. He was inside the stall in the shade, eating. 'yeah man, tek how much you want.. ".  I paid and he said 'Tek care of yuhself". I said 'pardon' and he repeated louder, firmer.. "tek care of yuh self"

I guess things were showing .. the inability to deal with the different things and the failure of the 'break' to bring any transformation. Saying no.. to going to an  event to mourn and celebrate the life of a wonderful woman because every time I thought of facing the people and walking through to be ignored and I couldn't deal with it. Saying no to the other request for help to join  a struggle ongoing but which needed to be dealt with before things got worse. Saying no to a normal duty and mind whirling as I couldn't explain the complexity of a 17 year old restraining order when karma catches up.. though privilege had me doling out cash to pay someone else. And with every saying no, feeling angry and guilty that I have to say no as I try to get things on track.

The crash came again.. after the man said 'tek care'.. he probably realised that something was up. I managed to control myself and to realise that there was no time to implode. Body felt tensed up and the survival part said. dont drink the water.. dont drink or eat anything.. you have to go and stretch out.. you have to go ..

Managed to stretch out.. some of the poses were difficult but the stretching seemed to release a different kind of energy. The exhaustion was different.. as though everything building up.. was coming out.. and then trying to make sure that it was conscious. Some poses not completed. One pose completed on the second try. Holding them and trying ot hold the thoughts as the thoughts stiffen the body.. rather than relax.

Self care for the moment. An hour later I am walking and my breath shortens as I start thinking again  I try to stop thinking, to  breathe deeply as I pass the sweet smelling tizam bush growing where it is not supposed to and to tek care of mehself as I try to sort things out..

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Turpentine mango madness

Image
Some of the mango was stuck on the stubble around my mouth. I looked at the mirror, a bit of shame because I had just collected an invitation from a well dressed guy and I wonder how I must have looked to him.. look at dis big man .. he cyan eat mango good . Thing is.. wiping off mango from stubble is difficult.. and the casual swipe with a hand which might have some juice is also useless. The turpentine mango is useless when it is green - it tastes awful, like turpentine.  Mother Nature works a miracle because the ripe one though, is sweet, juicy, no strings and no turpentine taste. And the colours on the skins are bright yellow/orange/pink/purple/red shades that are probably meant to draw all species of mango lovers. The trouble with turpentine is that you cannot pick it green or 'turnin' ' to ripen like say how they do it with Spice mangoes.  You have to leave on the tree until there is some point.. when there is no taste of turpentine. So you look at the m
Read more

Re-writing Irfaan Ali's disgraceful statement after accepting his comrade's resignation

Image
  (President Irfaan Ali made a Facebook post in which he accepted the resignation of his comrade Nigel Dharmlall from the Cabinet and the Party. This is an imaginary rewriting of that statement) Fellow Guyanese, as you’re aware, I am in Trinidad and Tobago attending the 45th session of the Heads of Government meeting of CARICOM and the 50th anniversary of CARICOM.  Tonight I want to address you in relation to the allegation that was made multiple allegations of rape and sexual violence which have been made against Minister Nigel Dharamlall.  From the inception, I advised the population that I would allow the system to work.   I would never and the government would never intervene in the system. We’ve allowed an independent investigation; the minister proceeded on leave to ensure that an independent investigation was conducted. I recognise that many survivors of rape and other forms of gender-based violence do not trust the system to work because it has failed many times.  I ad
Read more

My experience with depression - Dr Raquel Thomas-Caesar

Image
(The University of Guyana held Turkeyne & Tain Talks 2 on Monday 12 September, 2016 on Suicide Prevention . Dr Raquel Thomas-Caesar made a presentation based on her experience. This is the text of the presentation) by Raquel Thomas-Caesar I am not an expert on the issue of Suicide and Depression but this is my personal journey dealing with such issues. I have never spoken publicly about this at such a forum and I hope that it serves to help others even if only a small way- Dr Raquel Thomas-Caesar South East London,  June 9, 1995 As I sit under the tree, hidden from all eyes…I wait….to go. I wait to die. Then it hits me…OMG. I really don’t want to die. What have I done? My head is swinging, fuzzy, I can hardly walk. But I barely make it up and up the hill…I see two young black men in the distance…they come towards me, I could only imagine they thought I was on drugs..I beg for help. My Angels.  I wake up in the hospital. This was me- 21 years ago.  In a foreign land, drea
Read more