Dear phone bill...

Dear phone bill

I feel a kind of sadness as I look through the itemised list of numbers. The number of the loved one who used to call late on the way home and who I used to call back is not there.

I remember when the calls had resumed after a period of shunning and I used to look at your predecessors just to know that I was not dreaming and also a reminder that it would have ended sometime as previous periods of calling did.

I am glad I was able to call back when asked. Those calls are  further and further away in history.

So I look at the bill, in a way it is the acceptance that the period of contact is over. I know I keep tense now.. hoping that there will no confrontation or the looks which will remind me of the shunning.

I had a chance of redemption this week when another person who had cried at something I said made contact to request assistance. I know I was nervous in my response, trying long to type the emails so as not to create any problems.

I look at the phone bill and I remember thinking that at least the presence of the number on the list of numbers was a sign that I didn't do too badly in being useful  and that it was possible to restore and repair connections.

Dear phone bill, I had hoped for a face to face interaction to try to sort things out . But that has not happened and I have stopped waiting for it to happen. I think it is important to do that because something went wrong in the communication and I think it will continue to be wrong.


There are other numbers, brief calls, which I could smile at. Nice conversations with laughter and normal things which had no angst or unanswered questions or bad memories.

There are other phone numbers which had reappeared briefly as there were temporary needs which had to be met and which I was glad that I could meet without any difficulties.

But some how phone bill, despite my best efforts not to stop this number from appearing on you, I screwed up somehow.

I will never know. Life goes on. Other phone bills will come.  I have to write about other things, choices to try to get on with wellness.

And I hope if the number appears on the phone bill again, that it would still be about love and nurturing and not about anything else.